Reel Talk: The Corbin Smith Review Of Still Photos Of NBA All-Stars

The still photograph. Time, frozen. The four dimensional universe as we know it, all depth and in motion, seized by the torso, lifted into the air and body slammed into the two dimensional, where our minds can observe the simple outlines of reality with our own two eyes. Sometimes you see things that never occur to you in the rush of seeing and processing and being inside the hurricane of motion. An example: watch this video of me waving my hand:

Now, look at this still picture of me waving my hand, taken from THE SAME LOCATION with THE SAME CAMERA while wearing THE SAME OUTFIT:

Wow, right?

In freezing the image we have taken away the sensation of movement, from my hands as well as my eyes and the subtle waves of my sweater, but this new image—"screen capture" seems just the right term, here—opens a world of flavors and perspectives you just can't see in the noise of constant motion. Moving my hands looks so casual in the video: just a good guy, having a good time, waving his good hand.

But in the frozen world of the picture reveals, in my eyes, the IMMENSE concentration it takes for me to wave my hand in front of my face, the delicate strength of my deeply impressive shoulders, the care with which I guided my forearms to this task, and the three mirrors in the background. You NEVER could have seen or processed all of this information by watching that video. Too noisy. Too distracting. Only the relative peace of the still frame can tell these kinds of truths.

So, in celebration of the still image and the All-Star Game, this week I have written some brief capsule-style reviews of still pictures of the NBA's All-Stars. Please note that this list does not recognize the legitimacy of commissioner selections. Also John Wall understands why he is not included, here.

Lebron exercising his enormous skill, perception, and will to retrieve a ball sailing out of bounds. The angle is perfect, perfectly capturing our man's size (extremely large) and fussy, overwhelming art. But what's that in his eyes? Focus, for certain, eyes affixed directly on the ball. But is there a trace of boredom? A sense that basketball has not only become too easy, but is also reaping him, the game's most prominent practitioner in 20 years, smaller and smaller rewards. His contract is up at the end of the season. Is he subtly telling everyone that baseball is on the horizon?

RATING: THREE AND A HALF POPEYES

Carmelo is out of focus, permanently in need of a readjusted approach as basketball's prevailing ideological approach drifts further and further away from his style. He still has a smile, and he should—the game has made him wealthy, he lives in a city with infinite pleasures. The image finds him unconcerned and free, a wrist flip that doubles as a carefree expression and a mimic of a jumpshooter's repose after a make. But in the background, perfectly in focus, the future sits and smiles and waits: he knows his time will be here soon. Porzingis smiles the smile of promise, the best yet to come. Powerfully symbolic.

RATING: FOUR POPEYES

A search for "Paul George" on the USA Today sports image depository primarily brings up pictures of Paul Jorgensen, a player for George Washington University. He is utterly unremarkable in still photographs, and his facial hair is uncommitted and arbitrary. A disappointment.

RATING: ONE POPEYE

Before he made the All-Star Game through fan voting last year, Kyle Lowry was, year after year, a befuddling coaches'-excludee. There were whispers, of course: that he was ornery, hard to get along with, entirely too square-shaped. But here, we see the thumbs-up, can-do attitude of The New Canadian Kyle Lowry, the guard who stole the heart of the barren but personable wastelands to the north. Is he still a little too square shaped to be an ELITE NBA player? Sure. But he doesn't care anymore! He doesn't NEED the coaches! He's a man of the people now! Thumbs up!

RATING: TWO AND A HALF POPEYES

"Actor Chris O'Donnell holds a pair of game shoes given to him by Chicago Bulls guard Jimmy Butler (not pictured) after the game against the Los Angeles Lakers at Staples Center." You know, Chris O'Donnell, from Batman and Robin and NCIS: The Other One, But Not The Scott Bakula One? Why did Butler do this? Were there no children, anywhere? Is he trying to put together a table reading of Scent of a Woman in his living room? If so, what is he going to do about the late Philip Seymour Hoffman? Why does O'Donnell appreciate the gift so much? Is being into the Bulls a way of trying to bring the Nineties back? So many upsetting, upsetting questions. Do not look at this picture.

GRADE: ZERO POPEYES

He's so stressed out! Monumental effort spelled across his mouth, like he's stepped on a giant nail and the only thing he can do to get off is to jump as high as he can off the nail. You can feel the weighty burden of being The Last Shooting Guard, the last decent wing-sized ballhandling guard whose primary responsibility is to acquire points inside the three point line. Thompson, Jordan, Kobe, Joe Johnson, DeMar DeRozan. He is the lone man in a lonely, broken down ski lodge on top of an abandoned mountain, pump faking into contact at 15 feet, the way he and his ancestors know is proper. A heroic epic in miniature.

GRADE: FOUR POPEYES

"Look, Tom, I don't know how Rex, my giant dog, got onto this court. I also don't know why he is thoroughly and completely dominating the Sixers with a variety of windmill dunks. But I DO know the rules of basketball, and I know that those points? They should COUNT."

GRADE: THREE AND A HALF POPEYES

Here we see Drummond, the league's rebounding leader, caught in a contemplative moment. A welcome reminder that athletes are a mind as well as a body. Aside from that, deeply non-revelatory.

GRADE: TWO POPEYES

So many phases in Chris Bosh's career. High-Usage Great Canadian Hope, Multifaceted Big Three Big Man, and now, the first NBA player to move up and down the hardwood entirely in a somersault, like Sonic the Hedgehog in the psychedelic bonus stage. On screen, in motion, it's all a giant round blur speeding around the court, a giant ball blocking shots, grabbing boards, and sinking 18-footers. But in suspension, we can see the power and engagement his muscles and mind need to make it happen. Amazing photo, and one of a kind.

RATING: FOUR POPEYES

He is a tiny man. Look at how tiny he is! Watching on video, he looks tiny, but in a still picture, he also looks very tiny. Unnervingly tiny. I hope he's okay.

RATING: THREE POPEYES

It is impressive that Kobe Bryant has managed to maintain his rabid, unnerving fan base and sterling reputation even while a national audience watches his talent drain out of his body and spill all over the court, night after night, and sees his teammates and organization slipping and sliding every which way on the consequences of his insistence that he go out like George Custer. It's hard not to imagine that it's partially because, even though he's slow and bad now, Kobe still cuts a fairly convincing figure of "Excellent Basketball Player" in a still picture. A tribute to his obsessively constructed skillset, I suppose. His obsessively constructed something.

RATING: ONE AND A HALF POPEYES

As he transitions into his mid-career, Kevin Durant will be expected to take on more of a role mentoring and leading young players. Here, he speaks to rookie guard Cameron Payne about the SPECIFIC place he wanted that couch placed and he gave EXCELLENT instructions and he understands if Cameron maybe isn't as naturally attuned to the placement of things in a broader space, but that email was VERY specific and he should work on following instructions if he's going to be a successful NBA player. Not terribly inspiring stuff, all in all.

RATING: ONE HALF POPEYE

An eccentric choice from the voters, here—a seven-foot tall three point shooting specialist and unknowable box of secret talents-or-no-talents. But one look at this picture tells the tale: America was swept away by the romance of his perfectly powerful armpit muscles. Look at that perfect right triangle: platonic ideal of a 'pit. The kind of 'pit you want next to you, as your best man. The kind of 'pit that can drop 20 and 10 on any given night. The kind of 'pit that could someday be President of these United States.

RATING: FOUR POPEYES

Steph looks completely unremarkable in a still photograph. He is neither notably large nor notably small. His demeanor on court is fairly cool, so finding moments of hidden intensity is a no go. His three-point shot looks nice in a still frame, but so does Ray Allen's, and though Allen was a spectacular player he doesn't evoke awe the way that Curry does. The picture I've selected shows off his form, but it doesn't show the viewer anything amazing. Watch on video though, and you immediately experience the rush of pure wrist speed that Steph has harnessed and unleashes night after night. Not built for the still frame, I'm afraid. Here is the man himself looking at this picture:

It's okay dude. We all have to be bad at something.

RATING: ZERO POPEYES

…and yet, the West's other starting guard looks deeply compelling in literally any picture ever taken of him. I invite you to peruse the USA Today Sports Pictures archive and be, like, completely blown away by the energy Westbrook, with his big-ass muscles, enormous arms, and a glorious rainbow of facial expressions—Irate, lightly enraged, pants-shitting intensity, genuine good humor, sassiness, and a Rage/Joy mixture that defies any easy categorization. There is almost no deeply felt feeling that cannot be found in his still picture archives. Only serenity is rare.

I would give pretty much any picture Westbrook was in four stars. If a local gallery had an exhibition of Westbrook photos, I would show up , eat a shit load of cheese and engage in lively Westbrook-related conversations all night. I will, someday, spray paint his face onto the side of the Eiffel Tower. I picked this picture because it truly looks like he is going to leap into the air and tear a giant's dick off.

RATING: EIGHT POPEYES OUT OF FOUR POSSIBLE, 200% LIKE HIS EFFORT

As a candidate for still motion, Draymond faces a similar deficit to his teammate Steph Curry. The most interesting this he does, aesthetically, is manipulate and exploit small spaces and moving parts with his pinpoint-as-hell passing. Fascinating on video and in person—the extent of Draymond's extraordinary sense of space is only truly understood in person, I believe—and wet tinder in photographs. So, instead, here is a picture of Draymond clearly telling Luke Walton a dirty joke. It's okay.

RATING: TWO POPEYES

Harden is, almost certainly, the NBA player who is described in aesthetic terms more often than any other. They're not NICE terms, of course: as frequent Harden-descriptors go, cynical, tedious, and repetitive come immediately to mind. I don't necessarily agree, personally: some of his moves into contact are prompted by a sense of his own body in space that can, at times, be breathtaking. In this still picture, James, having just coaxed Tony Allen to leap fifty feet in the air, is already looking past his defender and into the paint, where he will look to finish despite taking a whooping in the lane. Look beyond the beard, and the face and the eyes betrays an intense psychic energy.

RATING: THREE POPEYES

Please look at this upsetting picture.

The look. It is exhaustion or disgust? If the latter, with whom? Steph? Himself? Doc Rivers, for letting him play, in his prime, with a roster that fundamentally cannot win a title? The cruel God who turned him, a virtuoso, into Salieri?

RATING: TWO AND A HALF POPEYES

(Author is so thoroughly consumed by boredom that he slips into a short, light coma.) (Starts awake) Oh my god! I was just wri… (Sees this picture again, slips back into boredom-induced coma.)

RATING: NO POPEYES

The NBA's forgotten man, living on the busted-ass outskirts of New Orleans, just trying to ply his trade until some event or other makes his team descent. This is actually a picture of Marc Gasol, spinning off his defender and making a very loud "NEEEUUUUGGGGHHHH" sound. Seeing a large, healthy man like that in such a visceral, brutal pose makes him the apparent id to his defender's trying-to-be-cool-about-this-bullshit superego. A symbolic masterpiece.

RATING: FOUR POPEYES

The viewer understands intellectually that Demarcus didn't knock Plumlee over with a subtle force field powered by his physical and spiritual hearts working in furious tandem. But the spirit of the picture—of a truly special player, one of the blessed ones, passing through a Duken wall of mediocrity as if pushed by God Herself—still lingers.

RATING: THREE AND A HALF POPEYES

You don't want to look at this picture, read this capsule review, or think about LaMarcus Aldridge, the dullest basketball player in human history, at all, so I have opted to not inconvenience you. This article is over now.