Kids Who Watch Junk Food Adverts Go Mad for the Trash

When Cancer Research UK aren't researching cancer in the UK, they're keeping tabs on how much junk food our tubby little blighters are eating. According to them, swashbuckling fast food ads are having a huge impact on our children, encouraging strong consumption of the delicious gruel. 137 children in 25 focus groups in English and Scottish schools were asked about their engagement with the ads, which aren't allowed to air during programming aimed at them. Speaking on a pizza ad, one boy said "At the end he like smashes … the [pizza] on the screen and you feel like you're just going to lick the screen."

Naturally it's helpful to remember the sort of hyperbole common in infant children – pretending you want a pizza so bad that you'll lick a screen when you're six years old isn't a shocking admission. More troubling is the trance-like reaction of the kids. "You might be eating a piece of fruit, you might see the advert and you might just throw it in the bin and ask your mum for money and leg it to the shop," said one sprog. Children are seeing these mouth-watering ads when they watch telly with their families in the evening, as opposed to when they're watching Spongebob or Ben 10 or whatever when they get home from school.

A third of children in their final year of primary school in the UK are overweight or obese, according to the Obesity Health Alliance, who supported Cancer Research UK in their chocolatey endeavour, along with 30 other charities.

But it's not all bad news for Britain's chunky children. Scientists at the University of Glasgow and Imperial College London have discovered some kind of weird milkshake powder that cuts down cravings. The bacteria in the powder contains a fibre called inulin-propionate ester, which affects the part of the brain that makes you a greedy cunt, and people who drank it ate up to less than 10 per cent of a meal.

So maybe that's what we need to do – as soon as the weans start yanking at your skirt for three Freddos and a bag of Flamin' Hot Monster Munch, stick a funnel in their gobs and pour a load of freaky bacterial milkshake down their gullets. It's all we can do to save them!

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