A Rave Review

BY BOB ODENKIRK

The following is a rave review of a book that I have written. Not a “book” that I’ve written, but a rave review “of a book” that I’ve written. Publishers may quote from this rave review for a price, or if someone just wants to buy the entire thing, we can probably make some kind of “overall” deal. I also think there’s a movie in it. Not in the book, there is no book, this is a generic review that will work for any book. I think there’s a movie in THIS REVIEW. But that’s probably just me. Every time a book comes out, I wonder: Will this book be the best book I have ever read, and will I need to talk to others about its greatness? Well, this one is, and I do. This book, the book you are holding, is filled with just… so much, so much… It’s a great book. A great, great, great, book. Four stars. Fuck that. Five stars. Thumbs-up, yes, of course. This book is so… good and… great and… you know what’s really cool about it? It’s not a dick about it. Other books think it’s being a dick, but it’s not. This book is not being a dick because it is aware of how great it is. It’s really that good. This book is like George Clooney and Sting hanging out together, listening to jazz music, drinking electrolyte-rich water, and smiling at you. I don’t like either of those guys that much either, but hopefully you get my drift. You want specifics? Fine. This book is so good because of its words! What about the words? They’re great. Great, great, words. I like every single one of the little bastards. They’re adorable, these words. You just want to pick ’em up with your eyeballs and roll ’em around in your sockets till they fall asleep in your brain. And they’re in the perfect order, too! The words in this book are in the exact perfect arrangement! They form such thoughts! I’m sorry for shouting, it’s just that the thoughts and descriptions that the words in this book form, well… I’m really excited. You understand. Let me see if I can make clear how the concepts in this book are so very, very good. The things described in this book’s writing are mind-blowing concepts, and at the same time, ideas as familiar as an old shoe. But here’s the deal, even the ideas and “things” that are familiar are made “cutting-edge” by their presentation and arrangement. Suddenly, these simple, “old-shoe” truths are made as stunning as a new shoe! And in this revivification process, these timeworn notions are transformed and made as powerful and impactful as a ten-ton mechanical shoehorn. A real German-engineered shoehorn that pries your feelings loose from where life has impacted them into the recesses of your dark, dark soul. That’s a helluva shoehorn, don’t you agree? This book is a quick read, but it’s long, too. So, for the price, it’s a bargain. In fact, it would be a bargain at any price, but if you’re reading this and it’s already on the bargain table, well… get outta town, you lucky sonofaB. Another thing about this book: Who knew math was so much fun? I didn’t. I hated math. Not anymore! And this book has pictures of tits in it.