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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - LET'S FIGHT

For someone who has a running mantra of "love me love me love me give me all of the attention you have" in her subconscious at all times, I sure do have a great time getting in fights with people. It's that whole "I love you, but don't you dare love me back, or else I will think you're a potato head," type of zing and zang that makes me the complicated jewel that I am. You know, I never really understand when people say that they don't like confrontation, or that they are NON-confrontational. I list confrontation as one of my favorite hobbies. It goes: boobs, tongues in my mouth,

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

, and confrontation. There is nothing like that blood-boiling warmth of having an angry face in yours to make you truly snap awake and realize that you are a part of this world, and have just as much of a right to make it shitty as anyone else does.

Here is an action packed-list of just a few things that has almost gotten me punched in the nose:

1. One time when I was little, my parents made me have a sleepover at this girl Kellie's house. First off, I thought this girl was an asshole for spelling her name like that, and secondly, I already had met my quota of two friends at that time and was not at all interested in making any more. But whatever, I stayed at her house and we ate pizza and watched Wham videos–it was OK.

Then as it got later and we made our way into her bedroom to get our jammies on, I noticed a weird pile of clothes shoved off in the corner. I went over to inspect them, and discovered that the clump of clothes was actually a clump of pastel-colored girl panties with shit smears in them. Shit smears that told me that this girl was not into wiping her butt in the bathroom, but chose to shit in the toilet, and then run into her room to wipe with her own underwear and stash it in the corner. This sent me over the moon. I got real quiet and kept pushing for us to just go to sleep, and then once I knew she was out, I popped up like a ninja, gathered my things, and belly crawled around her house until I found a phone to call my parents on and make them come rescue me from the shit house.

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They found me hiding in the bushes in front of Kellie's house, clutching my Rainbow Bright overnight suitcase. I have never been the same since. And HERE is where the confrontation comes into play. So the next day at school, Kellie comes up to me with her head all tilted on her neck and says, "what happened to YOU?" I suddenly felt a warm wave of comfort and strength wash over me as I gathered my thoughts – looking over at the tetherball court to steady myself in composure before turning to this girl and saying, "I don't make friends with people who shit themselves." BOOM!

2. I think it's fun to challenge people you have dated about why they don't like you anymore. I broke up with this one particular girl like three years ago, and every so often, I will send her a text at like 11:45 PM asking, "So, do you REALLY not think that I was a good girlfriend?" I send it, and then sit there, practically bouncing up and down–clapping my hands in glee–just praying that she'll write back something mean. It would be so funny!

I actually am sincere in my questions, but the outcome is more enjoyable if her answers are mean. She hasn't answered back in about a year though. Last I heard from her, she told me that I was creepy looking and that if I died, she wouldn't come to my funeral. If you try doing this to an ex, and they come back with something like, "You are a loser! Leave me alone!" A good standard response to use is "Oh, you. You just can't handle the strength of emotions that you have for me!" There is absolutely nothing a person can say in response to that.

3. It's sort of frustrating, because usually when I am in a really good confrontation, I start to cry a little bit. Not because I'm sad or scared, but because I am SO EXCITED and my body is filled with adrenaline. This is why sometimes when I'm fighting with someone, I wish that they would just throw me down and mount me. One time a few years ago, I was all bent up because this girl that I had a big crush on decided to date someone else, and I had just received a text message alerting me to the fact that there were pictures of them kissing on the internet. I didn't have a computer at the time and shared my roommate's–which she was using at that moment to cyber stalk some girl who didn't like her. I asked her if I could use the computer to investigate these pictures, and she said, "In a minute, I'm waiting for [girl who didn't like her] to IM me." This made me start shaking like the Incredible Hulk and I got in her face and shouted, "You are such an assy person!!" Sometimes calling someone an "assy person" is all it takes.

KELLY MCCLURE