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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - GET IN SHAPE

Nothing like getting yelled at to actually move on a rainy day. Here's our friend Patrick Hambrecht doing just that…

You're fat! You're lazy! You sit around and smoke pot in your apartment, watching TV like an invalid! You're boring! You're weak! You're out of shape! You can't walk up a few flights of stairs without wheezing like an old man! Look at yourself! You moved out of your small town to the big city for this? So you could gape at downloaded movies on your laptop like a sniveling, pasty-faced shut-in, or sick kid with the mumps? What is your problem?

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Your problem is that exercise is boring, so you just don't do it. Running on a treadmill, or lifting weights over and over is repetitious and dull. Maybe you even have a membership at the gym but you still don't go. Or you can't afford the gym at all. I'm talking to you, tubby!

You need to join

Flaming Fire Fitness

! It's a running rock band with you as the performer, and it's absolutely free. There's no catch. It's not a fake band or some karaoke nonsense--this is real. You're the star, because being a spectator is for chumps. You'll run for blocks to gigs, singing and screaming punk songs, and then perform before a packed audience. While you're singing, the band runs along aside you, playing drums and guitar with mobile amps. You can't stop galloping down the street, because if you did, you'd let your rock band down. The songs you sing are inspirational songs of savagery and glory--they celebrate your blood, your flesh, and your soul.

Join Flaming Fire Fitness for tonight and next Monday in McCarren Park at 8 pm. Then perform with the band in two weeks at Issue Project Room. (We also have a dance troupe you can join, if that's more your speed, that practices at the same time and place.) Look, here's a ridiculous video we made about it:

Download the songs and lyrics you need to memorize

here

. Please

RSVP to me

and I'll let you know about the secret practice location in case it keeps on raining. OK fine, the secret is at the intersection of Meeker and Union, under the BQE, where it's nice and dry. But you should still email me if you're coming.

PATRICK HAMBRECHT