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Vice Blog

ODE TO TIGHT WHITE JEANS

A two-week trial wearing white jeans will give you a slight crust punk patina that will confuse crust punks enough to not ask you for a dollar, but won't save you from lonely, homeless crackies who think you yourself might be a bit cracky enough to...

Tight white jeans are like an honest friend who enthusiastically always offers the truth (even if you aren't quite ready for it yet). They illuminate the bunz, exalt the crotch, attest for sluttiness or slobliness, indicate menstrual cycles, announce if a watery malt ball was allowed to squirt free. Just like the rare, sacred white buffalo, if you stealthily prowl in dense green forest landscapes, your husky big white butt will still be observed from miles away in those white jeans. Albino deer are always getting shot at because their whole body is white jeans! Tight white jeans can feed you. They will act as a giant cicada landing pad and the cicadas will tenaciously clutch to your ass and hang on till its time to molt. Also, if any other flying specimens have died on your white jeans, you can clearly identify if you are covered in insects (six legs) or arachnids (eight). Bats and owls will fly towards your alabastery butt, thinking it to be the full moon. Eat them. Tight white jeans dispel myths about where you have been and can design with precision where you will be going. For example, there will be little doubt if you attended a hot wings and red wine party the previous eve, but absolutely no doubt you ain't getting into any little baby's first Sunday afternoon birthday party looking like a hemoglobinous murderous splatter has ruptured wildly from your crotch. A two-week trial wearing white jeans will give you a slight crust punk patina that will confuse crust punks enough to not ask you for a dollar, but won't save you from lonely, homeless crackies who think you yourself might be a bit cracky enough to give out hand jobs on the bus. Go ahead and be generous, cum is only detectable on tight white jeans when reflected into the sun and then it just looks like pretty little pearly dew drops.

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If you are too boring and dull and don't know how to tell funny jokes, your friends will regard you as hilarious if you just sit in random brown whilst wearing the white jeans. Just act crazy, run in circles like with poo on your butt.

Tight white jeans have E.S.P. If you wear tight white jeans for a full month, you will be able to smell your first born's placenta.

Tight white jeans are also ghosts. If you wear tight white jeans for two months, you will smell the medieval underpants of a great great great great grandpap.

Who can forget the first sighting of actual BLOOOOD on white jeans? The brilliance of the tight white jeans sets an impeccable canvas for the bright embodiment of "Holy crap! I am a fuzzy jelly ball of hot red awesome scary slime! " Sure, it's easy to forget when we shove a tampon up there, but even with a super maximum tamp, if you cruise in white jeans during the time of the moon there is an heightened awareness of self: The self which is made of leaking holes.

Actually, white jeans will create a state of higher consciousness in all of us as we become more aware of all of our many orifices consuming, barfing, dripping, shitting, slurping, rolling in the grass, ridin' on the bus. The wet, dirty, propensities of human condensation…It's gonna show if you iz a freak or not, giiirl, in those tight white jeans!