So there’s this very cute Italian girl who happens to be a professional urologist, which means that she handles cocks all day, every day. From seven in the morning to seven in the evening, she checks out cocks. Let’s talk to her. About cocks.
Vice: How many penises do you see each day?
On average, I’d say about 30.
Tell me about the biggest, the smallest, and the most disgusting penises you’ve ever seen.
I saw the smallest just yesterday. It belonged to an incontinent 79-year-old man who had come in for a urine sample. In these cases we require a very large condom, attached to a large bag, to be secured to the penis. After several failed attempts to grab his tiny dick, the nurse came to find me in a panic. I didn’t believe her. I went to go see it, and I must admit, it was pretty traumatizing. I was a bit embarrassed. It looked like a clit, or like the tip of a pinkie finger. I tried to apply a catheter but I couldn’t hold on to it. It was like trying to fork an oily olive. In the end I applied a Band-Aid at the base of his penis, which allowed me to get a bit more friction between the two plastics, so that the condom wouldn’t slide off. That was my first time with a micropenis. But then, now that I think about it, that wasn’t the smallest. You also have retracted penises. It usually happens to the morbidly obese, who accumulate so much fat that their penises get sucked back into their bodies. When they come in for appointments, we have to grab their dicks with tweezers and pull them out. From the outside they look like belly buttons.
Oh God, I’m going to barf. Now tell me about the biggest.
That was on a 94-year-old man with a horrible disease, who came in two weeks ago. It was shocking. I think it was about eight inches and he didn’t even have a half-boner. He was completely soft.
What’s the strangest disease you’ve seen?
Probably the boomerang penis. It’s officially called LaPeyronie disease. Basically, fibrous plaques form on the penis’ sides, making one part of the shaft harder than the rest. You can’t tell when the penis isn’t hard, but the moment it gets hard, it bends all the way around. In extreme cases, you can’t even have sex.
Is it true that penises can break?
Of course. It generally happens when, in midthrust of a particularly forceful session, the penis doesn’t enter properly. It bends in half and the muscle breaks. It shoots blood all over the place.
How do you fix it?
It’s an operation they do in emergency wards. I’ve never seen it performed. But last month I saw a young boy who somehow skinned his penis when getting off his bike.
Fuck! You have to sometimes stick needles into dicks. What’s one reason for that?
We usually do it to men who have recently had their prostates removed. It’s a way for them to achieve erections, because during the operation we also have to remove the nerves that allow them to get hard. They lose all sensitivity in the area, so even Viagra can’t help. So you either do several of these injections, or you install a prosthesis in the penis.
How do those work?
The simplest are commonly known as “whalebones.” They are two malleable rods that are inserted into the erection chambers. But the coolest prosthesis is the hydraulic one. Basically the two sticks in the erection chambers remain, but these are attached to a sack of liquid, which is, in turn, connected to a small pump inside the scrotum.
So the guy pumps his penis until it gets hard?
Exactly. You basically fish around for the pump inside the scrotum, and you pump it a few times until you get an erection as hard as marble. If you wait and pump it again, the liquid solution is sucked back into its sack, and the penis becomes flaccid. Many porn stars get these.
Have you ever inserted one?
Of course. But only on certain patients. We always take care of people in need. I would never do a porn star, for instance. I also operated on an impotent 24-year-old who’d never been able to have sex. He never, ever, not once in his life, had an erection.
Why would an average 25-year-old guy visit a urologist?
Usually for one of three reasons: impotence, premature ejaculation, or addiction to Cialis. Cialis is the cool cousin of Viagra. It can last up to about 48 hours. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your dick is hard for 48 hours straight, but you have two days of definite erections. A lot of kids buy Cialis on the internet. It’s like 10 to 20 euros. Ten euros for sex with rock-hard erections. Not a bad deal, right? It’s cheaper than a whore. Loads of men get addicted to it.
Tell me your most insane story. The one you save for your friends at the bar.
Well, I’ve got one, but it didn’t happen to me. It happened to a girl I know who specializes in male fertility. At the time she was treating a patient who had a tracheotomy, which means he breathed through a machine attached to his neck, and who was also paralyzed from the waist down and couldn’t have erections. His wife wanted a baby really badly so the doctor said, “No problem, I’ll perform a biopsy on his testicles, extract some sperm, and we’ll artificially inseminate her.” Unfortunately, the clinic was very Catholic and wouldn’t allow it. At this point, the doctor thought, “Fuck it, I’m going to make them have sex.” So he injected a vasodilator into his penis to dilate his blood vessels. He waited until he got hard and then he called his wife. He waited outside the door, until their moans became shouts of panic and pain. He burst into the room, and he found the husband and the wife still entangled on the wheelchair. Only problem was that the patient’s tracheotomy shot out of his throat, because of the strain. It had hit the wife in the face. She was partially blinded and he was blue. Suffocating. He almost died.
Good one. What’s your daily routine?
Patients come in. I ask them to pull their pants down, take off their underwear, and lie on their backs. Then I touch their stomachs and try to see if there are any hernias around the pubic area. Then I ask them to cough, grab their balls and their penis, and finally I stick a finger in their butt. I do this, on average, around thirty times a day.
Do they ever get hard?
Once I treated a 32-year-old man who had problems with premature ejaculation. By the time he had lowered his pants, he was already very, very hard. I thought to myself, I can’t laugh at him. So I just stared at the wall. It was almost impossible to treat him, because I kept hitting his penis with my forearm and my elbow. It was just in the way. So I told him a couple of different ways to avoid premature ejaculation and sent him home, drenched in sweat.
What type of advice did you give him?
I told him to have protected sex and to contract his perineum, just like when you try to hold your pee in. This contraction should not only be practiced during sex, but also several times a day. If it doesn’t work, I advised him to try taking these new antidepression meds. They are the bastard cousins of Viagra.
What do you mean?
It’s proven that patients who take these new antidepressants barely ever reach orgasms. So we started to prescribe antidepressants, since they don’t have any real side effects on your mood if you’re not depressed, but they help a great deal with premature ejaculation.
Do you ever have to deal with cum?
Yep. Last week an old man came in my hand. Initially I didn’t understand what happened. He suffered from uretrite, which is a disease which causes a pus-like secretion to drip from the tip of the penis. So I thought it was that, but then he looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m sorry.”
Were you ever in the operating room during a sex change?
Unfortunately, no. I know a couple of urologists who’ve seen them though. It’s supposed to be awesome.
What about those penis-lengthening operations. Are they bullshit?
No, I’ve seen it done before. We use these machines that you attach to the base of the penis, they wrap around the the glans and it basically stretches your dick. You use it regularly. It’s like an exercise.