I just got back from Australia with Tony Hawk and the Birdhouse team. Sorry I haven't written (I'm not sorry.).
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Someone: Let's get Chinese food!
Me: Fuck Chinese food!
Him: Why don't you like Chinese food?
Me: Because my father was killed in Pearl Harbor.
Him: Dude. I'm sorry I didn't know.Part 2
Him: We should take a helicopter ride over the ocean!
Me: Fuck helicopters!
Him: Why don't you like helicopters?
Me: Because my father was killed by a helicopter.
Him: I thought you said your dad died in Pearl Harbor?
Me: Yes, by a helicopter.Part 3
Him: Dude! You got to see these huge two-foot long lizards in the trees over there!
Me: Fuck lizards!
Him: Why don't you like lizards?
Me: Because my father was killed by a lizard.
Him: I thought you said your dad died in a helicopter in Pearl Harbor?
Me: No, the Chinese were in a helicopter dropping huge lizards down and one bit my dad's head off.
Him: No way! That's gnarly.
Me: Yeah, it fucking sucked.He ate it all up like he was going to the electric chair.--While I was gone St. Patrick's Day occurred. It is one of my favorite holidays aside from Cinco De Mayo. It's like Drunk Christmas. And I love Christmas. Next week I'll show you photos of my St. Patrick's Day but here's some photos of how my wife's retarded Uncle Lonnie got down. Kinda wish I was hanging with him instead of the acoustic guitar guido I was listening to.
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Hot babe (before).
Substitute ass.
Substitute tits.
Substitute vag.
I spent the last few days filming A Day In The Life with my friend Dustin Dollin for the Vans site who you might remember from one of Patrick O'Dell's early episode of Epicly Later'd. I'll go into that more next week. I just wanted to point out that THIS CUNT STOLE MY BEER. Dustin took me to some show at this place in Sydney called The Art Factory and I ordered a beer, took a sip, set it down on the bar because I needed my hands to tell a story and when I turned around two seconds later my beer was gone. The world's worst thief hadn't even moved away with the stolen goods. She merely turned her head in an awkward position to use her long hair to shield the beer. I snuck around the other side of her and caught her as she was about to put what I can only assume is an AIDS-ridden, herpes-infested whore hole on my sacred, pure blonde.
"Hey Bitch!" I yelled, "You stole my fucking beer!" Would you believe she batted her eye lashes at me as if she was going to seduce me into keeping it? She smiled big and wide, revealing a mouth full of all metal, silver braces. The really shitty ones. Not even the clear ones. I yelled, "Are you fucking kidding me? You're not even cute! Give me my fucking beer, you whore!" I took it and because I was drunk pulled out my camera and told her I would be reporting her to the police. I thought that was funny. Her and her friend got scared. Her friend blocked the girls face with her hand to prevent the photo and they scurried off.
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