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Vice Blog

AUSTIN - COMPLETELY IGNORING BANDS (PART FIVE, THE GRAND FINALE)

March 24, 2009, 6:45pm


We arrived at Perez Hilton's party right as Margaret Cho was about to go onstage. Perez was on the mic in quite possibly the worst/best outfit I've ever seen. He was speaking in tongues about how much he loves music and women who play music and how he's fierce and something else about how he can't stop shitting blood. We pushed our despair aside as Margaret Cho walked on stage. Without missing a beat she said something about sucking cock and we all felt much better. Then out of nowhere the bitch pulls out an acoustic guitar from her womb and begins to explain how she saw Madonna play guitar, so she decided she should as well. I don't think that's a reasonable excuse, especially in her case.

She sang a couple songs about fucking and relationships and everything seemed to rhyme with "stick," "dick," or "shit." It was so bad I thought that maybe God does hate fags. Still, that didn't stop us from trying to get our picture with her, but she was all like, "Later."

To make matters even worse, Perez introduced the Indigo Girls as the "surprise" musical guest! Armed with acoustic guitars and absolutely nothing interesting to say, those ladies made me realize that Tori Amos is and will forever be a relevant artist.

Since Jeppe had gotten us artist passes, we decided to go to the VIP area and mingle with other celebrities who we could relate to. We were hounded by the press, who assumed we were Natalie Portman's Shaved Head (one of the bands playing the Perez showcase) because they are young and look "edgy."

While having our photo taken by the paps some chick from Fashion TV asked us a bunch of stupid questions about our "unique urban style." Megan called her a racist and I apologized on her behalf, asking her if she knew Cindy Crawford because I'm a huge fan of House of Style.

We told the press a bunch of lies:

1. We are a gay band with a gay agenda and we hate mainstream media, but enjoy shopping at Wal-Mart and Target because you can get everything you need in one stop.

2. We kicked out our lead singer because he was a pretentious asshole who couldn't sing and doesn't write any of the songs.

3. We are so grateful to Perez for allowing us this amazing opportunity to expose the world to our music and our agenda and we hope that we will be able to convert more people to homosexuality.

4. We just signed to Interscope and are thrilled to be touring with Lily Allen! We think she is amazingly talented and she is so not fat!

5. Trent Reznor will be producing our next record, "FISHOOK."

The paps were eating this shit up left and right until Alexis offered to give one of them a blow job. Then out of nowhere some chick came up, told the paps that we weren't Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, and "I don't know how you got back here, but you need to leave right now!" I managed to touch her boob before we were escorted out just in time to see Ladyhawke and Thunderheist play, who were actually really good.

We Went to the other VIP area we had yet to get kicked out of and got drunk before Hunx and the rest of the gang went to go play a show with his other band Gravy Train!!! Megan and I stuck around to see Solange, the avant-garde/punk version of Beyonce play a few songs before we went to see Gravy Train!!! play.

Solange was really working the crowd and it was hard not to look at her face and see Beyonce. Her teeth were perfect, but her her outfit and eye make-up seemed a bit strange. I assumed it must have been a Tina Knowles creation/disaster. When will those girls break free?

Got to the Riot Room just as Sugar and Gold were finishing up their set. They were funky and I felt all funk-duh-fied. Pamela, Their lead singer is a total hottie and is supposedly hung like a horse. Megan took off her bra and threw it on stage, which was sort of out of character, but I think she had a crush on the chick in the band (as if her bra would win anyone over... yeah, right!)

Gravy Train!!!! followed and the crowd went wild. I think they are one of the best punk bands ever.

As soon as Gravy Train!!!! finished their set we went to the VICE party. It was a lot of fun and all the boys there were nice to look at (I like that band Wavves and Jared from Black Lips is really really cute), but I thought I'd have a better chance of getting laid somewhere else. So we met up with our partners in crime and headed back to the Perez party only because I had convinced myself that either Lady Gaga or Katy Perry were gonna make an appearance.

Unfortunately, it was Kanye West who graced us all with his unbelievably bad voice. Don't get me wrong, I'm into his bloated ego and I think it's important to have a gay hip-hop star, but seriously, that girl cannot sing! It was sort of shocking, but it was fun to watch the crowd lose their minds over his mere presence. I spotted Amber Rose to the side of the stage and we were trying to get her attention, but she was too busy constantly adjusting the collar on her blouse, which I completely forgave her for.

Kanye left the stage and the place cleared out. Megan insisted we stay for Yelle, so the rest of us took comfort on the mini Dell computers that were set up along the back wall of the venue. We watched Xtube videos as Ida Maria sang about getting drunk and long-lost love, which was the perfect soundtrack to our erotic fantasies.

We all wanted to treat Jeppe to a delicious breakfast at IHOP since he'd been so generous with us the day before. He showed up an hour late but was so cute and charming it didn't matter.

After a breakfast consisting mostly of condiments, we decided to check out GayBiGayGay, the queer equivalent to SXSW. I don't exactly know what i was expecting, but it was much different than I had imagined. I think the outdoors-y hippie vibe sort of threw me off and there really wasn't a lot of dudes there, at least none that I was interested in. Brontez however, had no problem meeting boys and within a couple of hours was giving some dude a blow job behind the stage. Work!

The rest of us however were dragging from the night before and made the horrible decision to do some coke to pick up the party.

It made me feel even shittier and I was almost completely ready to give up on life when the Gretchen Phillips Experience took to the stage. Three older lesbians, in shabby chic couture singing over Casio samba beats with lyrics like:

For the first time in my life
In my adult life
I have a president who doesn't make me wanna kill myself
Oh yeah
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

Wow. This was some next level shit.

They were followed by Butch County, a heavy metal Lesbian group who did at least ten AC/DC covers and wouldn't get off the stage until the singer had completely lost her voice. At one point we were all convinced that she might actually explode. It was intense.

The lethal combo of some dude dressed up as Ursula from The Little Mermaid, a lesbian cheerleading squad, and really shitty coke convinced us it was time to get out of there. We all said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. I couldn't stop crying on the drive home.

CODY CRITCHELOE

(photos by Megan Mantia)