Theory: DJ Khaled's Snapchat story is the greatest sitcom ever created. You've got the catchphrases—"LION!"; "Good morning, my angels"; "Bless up!" You've got the revolving cast of characters, from the long-suffering Chef Dee ("What's for breakfast, Chef Dee?" "We got—" "WE GOT TURKEY SAUSAGE. EGGS. WATER.") to the silent, faceless Mrs. Khaled, who mostly has to hug DJK in a jacuzzi while he whispers, "I got you, baby, I got us" while one of his entourage videos along.
You've got the celebrity cameos, rapper after rapper after basketballer after basketballer appearing at Chez Khaled to do complicated hand gestures at the camera. You've got the Kramer-like entrances, although instead of sliding through a door to raucous applause, Khaled goes downstairs to breakfast and upstairs to bed in his iconic home lift, followed by a shot of his "ANOTHER" "ONE" flip-flops slicking along a marble floor. You've got the in-jokes for the real Khaled heads (my particular favorite is Khaled's frequent knack of accidentally pressing the button that puts a tiny red dot of Snap-ink right by the publish button). And you've got that structure-structure-structure that underpins every great sitcom. You know how every episode of Friends was more or less in the same apartment? How I Met Your Mother?The Big Bang Theory? And so we find DJ Khaled, imprisoned in a Groundhog Day-esque palace, eating breakfast, watering plants, getting massages, going in his lift. Khaled, locked in a hell of his own magnificent making, no studio audience to laugh along. Cursed to live the same inspirational day, again and again and again. Bless up.
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But most of all, you've got the heartwarming moral gooey center at the heart of the chocolate fudge laugh cake. Because yes: it is very amusing the way DJ Khaled sort of inspirationally sneers at the camera and says platitudes while listening to reggae. But most importantly: he wants us to be successful. Every good sitcom is based on the central characters learning, righting a wrong, staying friends throughout, eating takeout together and falling in love. Khaled's Snapchat is based in those same wholesome truths: work hard, be respectful, feed your family, always sprint after the key to success.
Anyway, DJ Khaled got lost on a jet-ski yesterday and it was the greatest fucking thing to happen in the history of the goddamn world.
On the sitcom analogy spectrum, Khaled on a jet-ski was a masterstroke by the writers (and, you have to assume, because all of Khaled's Snapchat is the deepest, truest thing ever to exist, Khaled having the same sweet earnestness of an especially doughy puppy, you have to assume that writer is God Himself, bless up). Khaled on a jet-ski was technically a sequel episode—the first episode of Khaled on a jet-ski, from season one of DJ Khaled's Snapchat Story, can be accurately summed up by the following four photographs, a tetraptych that should essentially replace any Hieronymous Bosch effort in any given gallery anywhere in the world:
But last night we saw the darker side of Khaled on a jet-ski: after spending too long eating lunch and getting pulled over again by the police, Khaled was lost dwindling on a strait while the red sun set behind him, Khaled in darkness, Khaled in danger. And that's where Khaled's Snapchat came into its own, flipping the frequent "this is the key to success" formula on its head. Khaled frequently tells us how to succeed, but never how to fail. But getting lost on a jet-ski while saying with panic "if y'all know Zay Zee, get her to call me" is not the key to success. Getting lost on your jet-ski at night with only your iPhone flash to guide you is the inverse of success. Is this the first time DJ Khaled has ever failed in his life? The genuine look of oceans-deep distress in his eyes suggested: yes, yes it is.
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There is a happy ending to Khaled on a jet-ski (Khaled, resplendently topless in a bubbling jacuzzi, salt spray still dappling his face, saying "God is good"). But it was a warning to all of us: appreciate what you got. DJ Khaled's Snapchat is a gift to us all—a gift we don't respect, a gift we don't deserve—but it could be snatched away from us with just one brutal jet-ski accident, the prophet driving straight into the sea.
Khaled is teaching us how to live by preaching a gospel of his own design—twice-weekly massages, pedicures are a big key to success, water your plants, eat your lunch, be smart, be respectful, buy your momma a house, it's a beautiful day, what's for breakfast Chef Dee, Another One—and don't ever take it for granted. That's the key to success. Bless up.
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