Which Female Tory Leadership Candidate Is the Best Choice for Feminists?

What a time to be alive. Not only has a highly efficient Labour coup – at once immaculately pre-planned and with somehow no planning at all – challenged a most unsuitable party leader. Not only has David Cameron stepped down, nobly, graciously and with regret after waging an enormously successful Remain campaign amongst his party. Not only has Farage finally ducked out, never to be seen again as he disappears into a foggy mire of lunch with Rupert Murdoch. Not only are there all these reasons to celebrate the return of common sense to British politics but now, brace yourself broadsheet journalists of Bromley and Kentish Town, even feminism's blazing a trail through Westminster. As Suzanne Moore and Catherine Meyer scream "YASsss QWEEN" from the sidelines, the next gen of progressive politics strides flawlessly into Parliament. Women across the country rejoice, minorities everywhere breathe a sigh of relief, celebration descends upon our disillusioned isle. Once again there is hope, and this time hope answers to the name of Theresa May – and she's not alone. Watch out Bullingdon boys, May's got company, in the form of Thatcher-loving Andrea Leadsom. Can I get a shout out for powerful, aspiration women real quick?

Unfortunately, only one of these two heroes can go on to run the country after being elected by a tiny Conservative elite. Keep reading to find out who scores highest in my feminism test and gets to ascend to Hillary Clinton levels of YOU GO GIRL!

WOMEN'S RIGHTS

Theresa

Theresa is particularly well-known for her unflinching support of immigration detention centres like Yarls Wood, where women are kept in isolation and without trial for indeterminate lengths of time. Arrested and held there indefinitely, the women at Yarls Wood, often seeking asylum or having been victims of torture and abuse, undergo routine solitary confinement, the exploitation of their labour (detainees are exempt from the minimum wage under immigration laws) and the constant threat of deportation. During May's time as Home Secretary, she has presided over Yarls Wood like a fierce white tiger! Despite accusations of "state-sanctioned abuse" and the "inhumane" treatment of detainees, May continues to stand strong in the face of adversity, refusing to be held back and proving herself a role model to any woman who one day hopes to facilitate the physical and mental abuse and alleged rape of incarcerated innocent people.

FEMINISM RATING 0/10

Andrea

Co-writing an op-ed for the Guardian in 2012, Leadsom argued that Conservatives make better feminists than Labour because her leftie rivals are simply too preoccupied with facilitating "state protection" for women, something she deems horribly "patronising". Admirably true to her word, under the Tory government, an increasing number of refuges for women continue to be closed across the UK thanks to cuts to local council funding, thus resulting in incredibly vulnerable women being turned away in their thousands. An inspiration at every moment, Leadsome argues that her party is "optimistic and ambitious for women" and definitely not concerned with the stupid ones who choose partners who might, oh you know, murder them?

FEMINISM RATING 0/10

IMMIGRATION AND WELFARE

Theresa

Type "Theresa May" into Google Images and the top three suggested searches that pop up are Fashion, Weight Loss and Shoes. Ugh! In the just world that May's campaigning for, we would see a true representation of her politics and not the trappings of an intensely sexist culture. It's almost like the establishment media is scared to talk about her actual policies or take her seriously because she's a woman. Perhaps if they could shake off their archaic sexism for a moment they could join the liberal, progressives like us, keen to extol May for her efficiency at things like terrorising immigrants by driving enormous vans around with big signs on them saying GO HOME. Instead of a pair of kitten heels, we would see somebody cowering in fear in their home as five immigration detention officers break down the door and sprint towards them. Don't worry girl, we'll get there.

FEMINISM RATING 0/10

Andrea

In June of this year Leadsom retweeted someone describing the country as bring "overrun by foreigners" and apparently to put any one else off coming she has taken matters in to her own hands. Leadsom once suggested small businesses should become immune to any and all workers' rights requirements, absenting them from such useless and time-wasting restrictions as maternity leave or minimum wage. She has also consistently voted against raising disability benefits, against spending money to secure jobs for long-time unemployed young people, against raising welfare benefits in line with prices and in favour of the bedroom tax! Isn't it just so refreshing to hear a woman talk publicly about bedrooms and it not have to be in relation to her nighttime beauty routine?

FEMINISM RATING 0/10

PERSONAL STYLE

Theresa

Joking, obviously. It's so unfair and sexist that we're expected to write about women's style, or that the tabloids consistently write headlines about their hair. Yes, Theresa May might rock up to PMQs in sparkly brogues and a sharp tartan pantsuit, but she's also been incredibly efficient in refusing asylum to 3,000 child refugees. Get you a PM that can do both.

FEMINISM RATING 0/10

Andrea

You know what, I flat-out refuse to write about Leadsom's bright, smart dress sense. Brazen in the face of adversity, Andrea has consistently stuck to her convictions and I too must stick to my shining beacon of white feminism, I mean white beacon of shining feminism, I mean, um. Any way, of those convictions? Well, she has consistently voted against gay marriage, she voted against making it illegal to "discriminate on the basis of caste" and she voted in favour of repealing the Human Rights Act. Iconic!

FEMINISM RATI… NOT EVEN WORTH IT

So who wins? Well not women, that's for sure. Or anyone, from the looks of it.

@BertieBrandes

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