Has Noel Edmonds Really Just Cured Cancer? An Analysis

Who is Noel Edmonds? How is Noel Edmonds famous? These are questions that can feasibly keep a man up at night. My sleep is interrupted by the reality of Noel Edmonds' life. His big unchanging face swims into my vision and haunts my fevered dreams. His curiously clipped beard and his strange "brassy dinner lady who just won big on the Health Lottery" haircut.

Because that is the thing: Noel Edmonds, a man who sometimes answers a phone unconvincingly despite the majority of his job being "pretending to answer a phone", is a hugely successful man. His net worth is around £75 million. Edmonds has somehow breezily achieved success despite the odds (near-medical lack of charisma, weird unchanging hair-and-beard combo, the fact that he thought Mr Blobby was legitimately funny) being stacked enormously against him. For that, Edmonds should be a hero and a king. And instead I am able to sit here and write a sentence like this: "Noel Edmonds looks like what would happen if George Michael fell into a peat bog in 1985 and Time Team only just dug him out."

Now, many – including Edmonds himself – attributes his post-House Party success to the concept of cosmic ordering, a twist on good old-fashioned "positive thinking", the central facet being: you can ask the universe for stuff – love, happiness, riches, a custom shade of off-brown Just For Men w/ beard applicator – and the universe will deliver. Before you laugh, consider: would you rather live in a world where Noel Edmonds is considered a £75 million megastar in his own right, or would you rather console yourself with the idea that the very fabric of the universe itself was manipulated to make it happen? Personally, "How is Noel Edmonds famous?" "Oh, because of an evil form of magic" is a call-and-response I can find peace with.

But we can no longer treat Noel Edmonds as a sort of fame curiosity, because he has just endorsed a small grey box that he says cures cancer and we need to talk about that. And so:

Exhibit A:

A simple box that slows ageing, reduces pain, lifts depression and stress and tackles cancer . Yep tackles cancer! — Noel Ernest Edmonds (@NoelEdmonds)June 7, 2016

Exhibit B: where he essentially says someone has cancer because of their bad attitude:

— Noel Ernest Edmonds (@NoelEdmonds)June 7, 2016

QUESTIONS THAT MUST BE ASKED ABOUT NOEL EDMONDS ENDORSING A SMALL GREY CANCER BOX AND SAYING CANCER IS MORE OR LESS A RESULT OF BAD VIBES

Has Noel Edmonds just cured cancer? No, obviously. But also… also maybe Noel Edmonds has cured cancer? Because, alright, right: no. You're not thinking about this Edmonds style. I want to give you an example of the way Noel Edmonds thinks: Noel Edmonds used to turn up late to Deal or No Deal because his drive to the studio was too long, too beset by traffic. So what do you think his solution was? Leave the house earlier? Use a GPS and/or app to gauge traffic in certain areas and reroute accordingly? No. No. Noel Edmonds bought a black cab so he could drive in bus lanes, and so drives to work in that.

Wait, though: Noel Edmonds kept getting flagged down by people thinking he was a legitimate taxi, so he got a mannequin and dressed it in women's clothes and then drives around with it everywhere in the back of his cab to give passersby the illusion that Noel Edmonds enjoys human company.

You are not listening: he calls his cab puppet "Candice" and once recorded a dance song under her name where he asks her [the puppet, not a real thing] "What's in your box?" in a sexually suggestive manner.

Mate:

So we can see that Noel Edmonds does not solve problems traditionally. And by extension: maybe that weird grey box thing that clearly doesn't cure cancer could, possibly, maybe, cure cancer, because as we have learned from Noel Edmonds' commute: maybe the real solution is secretly the fucking zaniest.

What's the box? It is called an EMPpad and it emits low intensity frequency pulsed electromagnetic fields (called "PEMF"). PEMF treatment is a sort of semi-murky field where certain PEMF devices are approved by the FDA and the like, and studies in the 1970s suggested exposing non-union fractures to PEMF could accelerate the healing process, and from there further research on rodents showed that exposing the head to PEMF could result in behavioural effects consistent with anti-depressants. So yeah: exposing yourself to a magnet for a bit could make you happy and make your bones heal ever so slightly faster, maybe, possibly, and if you want to pay £2,600+ for a magnetic pad that you sit on twice a day for eight minutes then OK, cool, go for it; it is Edmonds-approved. But also all further health benefits espoused in relation to PEMF aren't really in any way backed up by evidence at all: it's all a bit "this is good for X, so it must by good for Y", you know. You know. Magnets.

Does the box cure cancer? The makers of the box have moved extremely quickly to update their website and say that no, Noel Edmonds' claims that the box prevents cancer are not backed up by any sort of hard science at all. No, please do not listen to Noel Edmonds. No, he is not a medical professional at all. I mean, this is a man who once lost more money than you or I will ever make in our lifetimes on a Mr Blobby-themed funpark; do not listen to this man re: cancer, or, indeed, re: anything—

Do bad vibes cause cancer? I asked the universe really hard for an answer to this question, and so far no luck, but I don't know how long cosmic ordering takes to manifest, i.e. is it a "I'll get back to you in 20 minutes with a firm answer" e-mail response sort of thing, or is it a "three to five business days, delivered to reception" situation? It's hard to know. I will update this answer when I learn definitively from the universe whether bad vibes do/do not cause cancer. It's too early to say for sure.

Does Noel Edmonds have a particular vendetta against bad vibes? Yes he does! Noel Edmonds is extremely pro-positivity, anti-negativity. Like: last year, Noel Edmonds launched an entire radio station called "Positivity Radio", which was cod motivational quote-style intersects from Noel Edmonds himself and then light back-of-the-office afternoon pop. I listened to it for one minute, once. Noel Edmonds said, "Positivity? What is it. Positivity comes from taking responsibility, realising that you – and no one else – is responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions. Remember: life is a journey, and if you fall in love with the journey, you'll be in love forever," then followed it immediately with Sugababes' "Cause I Know How I Feel About You Now". That is what good vibes looks like. Bad vibes is the opposite of that.

What is the evidence that Noel Edmonds has cured cancer? Noel Edmonds does not – unless he's keeping it undisclosed – currently have cancer, and, uh… hmm. Hmm. Mm. Huh. No, no: that's about it.

What's the evidence that Noel Edmonds has not cured cancer? Well: cancer still exists, point one. Point two is telling people who have cancer – the most horrible disease, a disease that not only sets up camp in your body but also in your life, this curious unseeable rotten core that can only be got at with deep surgeries, invasive poisons, cancer a barnacle that must be aggressively scraped out – telling people with cancer, those people in the lowest moment of hope in their life, that hey, maybe sitting on a magnetic mat for eight minutes will cure you. Or hold up: have you tried aromatherapy, and hey: think positive, and eat more avocados, and eschew actual peer-reviewed science: maybe doing that is the absolute fucking worst thing you can do to someone with cancer, I don't know!

Why is Noel Edmonds allowed? Again: still don't know. Consider that he managed to rebuild his career once, that we let him. Consider that: he rebuilt his career after a turn-of-the-millennium slump. In terms of miracles, Noel Edmonds' career second wind is right up there with Jesus and the rock. We thought we were rid of Noel Edmonds! And then he came back! Stronger, and in a jazzier shirt! Noel Edmonds is un-killable! The magnets and the universe are giving him power! In that regard, Noel Edmonds is the closest thing we have to a super villain currently in circulation! The X-Men should fight Noel Edmonds next! He would defeat them with his positive vibes!

Should I give my money to Noel Edmonds instead of, for example, Cancer Research? No. We must stop giving Noel Edmonds money.

@joelgolby

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