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Jamie Taete's Internet Roundup

April 5, 2011, 10:36am

NEW KATY PERRY SINGLE PUSHES UNCLEAR AGENDA

Readers of taste and class might not be aware of this, but Katy Perry's new album is her magnum opus of subtle sexual innuendo. Highlights include Peacock ("I wanna see your peacock-cock-cock" – a clever allusion to wishing to see a man's penis) and California Gurls ("So hot we'll melt your popsicle" – behind this intricate wordplay lies an ejaculation reference).

Above is her new single with Kanye West, which is every bit as bad as you thought it was going to be when you first read the term "Kanye West" in a paragraph about Katy Perry. Here are some lyrics:

"Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison
Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction"

Been thinking about this for a few minutes now. This is about getting raped by a person with AIDS, right? Also, not sure why, but after watching that video I suddenly feel compelled to buy something called "Vogue Eyewear". Something really, really subtle must have happened.

NEW PRODUCT TO RID WORLD OF ONE OF THE BIGGEST ISSUES EFFECTING THE MODERN WOMAN

Man, I'm so glad she decided to take the serious route with this video. Having a super-earnest expression while churning out lines like, "even the women who hadn't experienced cameltoe themselves knew somebody who had" can't have been easy, especially when someone's playing a brunch house remix of the Men Behaving Badly theme song in the background.

CHURCH GROUP PRAISES MAKER THROUGH MEDIUM OF POLE

"The shoes are good for the legs and the glutes." Seriously? When did the entire world turn in to the Westboro Baptist Church with this "any attention is good attention" stuff?

THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL RAISES AWARENESS – OF HERSELF

Watching a whole 2:21 of the girl who appeared in 0:04 of Rebecca Black's "Friday" video using charity as an excuse to cling desperately onto the crumbs of fame that were thrown her way might be the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done. I feel like I'm in one of those dreams where you're naked at school and you're being made to watch your parents have sex while they simultaneously read your diary aloud and walk in on you masturbating.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE