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Theory: Seattle is actually the best team. Please, stop laughing. Just hear me out. I’ll wait until you stop laughing. They have the best defense in the league, a loud stadium that gives them a real advantage at home, and Russell Wilson—who won’t wear T-shirts to off-camera interviews—has an outside chance at becoming one of the top ten quarterbacks by the end of the year. Please, stop laughing.
PICK: Seattle
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…and the top-rated comment on that video is about sending the “bad” people back to Africa. Everything in the world is terrible.
PICK: BuffaloArizona (+6) at Minnesota
Arizona has a great receiver in Larry Fitzgerald but the guys throwing the ball to him are bundles of sticks dressed like people. The Vikings are one of those hard-to-figure-out teams. To do some research I went on Wikipedia, where I learned that “popular conceptions of the Vikings often differ from the complex picture that emerges from archaeology and written sources.” Indeed.
PICK: MinnesotaCleveland (+2.5) at Indianapolis
There’s a pretty healthy phenomenon of these terrible broadcasters who keep getting jobs they repeatedly fail at, either because they’re pals with someone or because they were successful at something else beforehand. Matt Millen is a good example. He can’t explain a zone blitz, let alone speak in English, but he was a great linebacker for Penn State and pretty good in the pros, and has a strong chin, so he’ll be on TV forever. What were we talking about again?
PICK: IndianapolisBaltimore (+6.5) at Houston
Ray Lewis is injured but might make it back later in the season, or at least in the playoffs. How intense would that be? The team’s spiritual leader and shouter-in-chief returning when they need him the most, the Baltimore fans baying for blood, Ray Lewis holding up a torch and lighting the ceremonial pyramid of skulls… I’ve got chills just thinking about it!
PICK: Houston
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Since St. Louis is the best baseball town in America—check out these NLCS ratings!—and since the Rams are bad, there’s a good chance the game doesn’t sell out. Poor Rams. Nobody loves you and you are in a town most famous for having an upside-down U in the middle of it.PICK: Green BayDallas (-2) at CarolinaWhat do you think Carolina did on the bye week? Maybe spend it all preparing for Dallas? Ha ha, yeah right. Maybe they went on a family trip, like this guy:
Why would you film that and put it on the internet? People are weird.
PICK: CarolinaWashington (+5.5) at New York GiantsI’ve seen this ad occasionally during NFL games:
So I guess the point is this guy wants to fuck a sentient ball of chocolate? Does the lady M&M have, like, a hole for him to stick it in? Gross. Please do not sexualize candy, everyone. We already have enough life-crippling fetishes in the world.PICK: WashingtonNew Orleans (-2.5) at Tampa Bay
Fuck this game. Fuck these teams. Fuck the NFC South. It’s the worst division. Just thinking about it bums me out.
PICK: New OrleansNew York Jets (+10.5) at New EnglandNew England’s secondary is not good blah blah blah football. Now that the analysis is over, let’s turn our attention to a more appealing topic: Has Tim Tebow gotten his dick wet yet? Some guy on one of those really intense channels with all the financial info a graphs asked Jets owner Woody Johnson if Tebow was a virgin. He didn’t get an answer, which is a shame, but at least he was brave enough to ask what we’re all thinking. (Hey, Timmy has a big one, right? Seems like he would. It’s not weird to talk about that, is it?)
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PICK: New YorkJacksonville (+4) at Oakland
You know when you’re hungover at work and you have coffee because you think it’ll make you feel better but instead it makes you feel worse and somehow more tired and your eyeballs hurt? No? Well, watch this game and you’ll understand that feeling.
PICK: JacksonvillePittsburgh (-1.5) at Cincinnati
Fun fact: The Bengals are named after the old Cincinnati Bengals football team, who were active from 1937 to 1941. Football was different back then—they finished the 1937 season with a 2-4-2 record, and there wasn’t such a position as “wide receiver.” OK, I lied—none of these facts are all that fun.
PICK: PittsburghDetroit (+6) at Chicago
If Chicago wins this game like I think they will, we’ll have to start talking about them as a legit Super Bowl contender soon. And that’s going to suck, because we’ll inevitably start talking about Jay Cutler, and then we’ll talk about how he’s an asshole and all that. Meanwhile, no one knows how to pronounce Matt Forte’s name. Our priorities are all fucked up, as usual.
PICK: ChicagoPrevious week's record: 7-7Overall record: 43-45-3__Previously - Hot Young Stud Quarterbacks
