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No Shirt, No Shoes, No SaviourAvoid beaches, sure, but also keep yourself away from clothing stores—people are constantly putting clothes onandtaking them off in there. Rampant necks and thighs. Also, avoid airports (they have a machine that scans you fully nude, even if you’re wearing a chastity belt), city streets (hobos these days have no respect for your repressed sexuality) and anywhere involving the words “fun” or “sun.”Turn a Blind Eye. Literally.Poke your eyes out with something sharp so you’ll never see an offensive shoulder-blade or thigh ripple ever again. What, you think you’re better than St. Lucy?Watch Your WordsTry to speak more modestly in addition to your careful dress. The only women who swear in the street are whores. Clean up your diction! The word "diction" should be the first to go, for obvious reasons.Think Outside the Box. (Don’t Think About Box, Though.)Sure, you’re covered up from your knees to your neck, but temptation can be found in other parts of the body as well. Why do you think they call it “toe cleavage”? Try to avoid crossing your arms, as your elbows can make a real cleft-of-Venus-y shape when folded. Before you leave the house in the morning, do a quick shame-check in the mirror, scanning your body for potentially arousing, sinful parts. Just kidding, you don’t own a mirror, that is vanity.Bring the Outdoors to You!If you don’t have access to a private creek or lake, consider turning your private bath into one. Just pop into the shower or tub—fully clothed, natch, don’t want to defraud yourself with Onanistic urges—play some nature sounds and turn the lights up reaaaally bright. It’s just like spending a summer day outdoors with friends, but without being outdoors or with friends!
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Thinking about leaving the house or living a normal life? Don’t! Stay home and await the sweet embrace of death and the fully-clothed heaven that awaits. Well, mostly fully-clothed. Mary’s robe is a bit low-cut for my tastes. CATHOLICS.Follow Monica on Twitter: @monicaheiseyOther pocket guides:The VICE Guide to Being GayHow to Survive Prison if You Are a Princess
