Facebook is the suburban grocery store of the internet. It’s the best place for family-friendly news about your cousin’s wedding, what your mom thinks about the most recent episode of NCIS, pictures of lonely women with their dogs, and, of course, babies. Babies in diapers! Babies in cool “tough guy” outfits! Babies hugging babies! Your friend’s baby. Your co-worker’s baby. Your ex’s baby. That’s a lot of fucking babies. WHO HAS TIME TO UNFRIEND ALL THOSE BABIES?
Thank god for Unbaby.me. It takes all those pesky pictures of America’s hopeless future and covers them up with images of what you really want to see. Clip art, inspirational photos of hot air balloons, and kittens. I’d prefer pics of Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Lindsay Lohan, and porn .gifs, but the service is still in beta, so fingers crossed!
“What’s wrong with my baby? You don’t want to see my baby?” No. I don’t. I want to see big tits and young vaginas, or maybe a Sunday matinee of Blue Velvet. YOU want to see your baby. You also want to wake up next to your wife, reminisce about your trip to Cancun, and talk about the promotion you just missed out on by a hair (specifically pubic). I do not care about any of those things. Do you want to hear about this hilarious drunk adventure I had? No, and That’s OK. You are not me and, conversely, I am not you. So shut up about your “l’il num-num sweetcheeks” already before I subliminally teach him or her the worst curse words in the world while you’re in the bathroom on the Amtrak track train back from nana’s house.
Unbaby.me solves one of society’s most pressing problems, but why stop there? I can think of a million things besides photos of babies that I’d rather not see on Facebook. How about blocking boring vacation photos, Spotify playlists, “funny” YouTube videos, duckface self-shots, inspirational quotes, news stories that are more than a week old, happy birthday wishes, e-cards, played-out memes, pictures of food, passive-aggressive status updates directed at an ex, anything about your job, anything about politics, anything about God, pics of crocheted zombie Star Wars characters made of bacon, and those stupid copy-and-paste updates that say, “like this status if you agree” or “most of you won’t have the guts to post this.”
Fuck it, let’s just block Facebook and be over it.