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Vice Blog

CANADA – WE'RE HAVING ELECTIONS TOO, OK?

Sarah Palin's sexy wink must have functioned as some kind of seduction ray, because all of us here in Canada plum fucking forgot about the election this Tuesday. We know you're not going to vote for Stephen Harper, since he's a child murderer (citation needed). Jack Layton is the only candidate we've ever seen in person, but that doesn't mean a bike-riding bald guy can run our country. There's Stephane Dion, who is (amazingly) more boring than Stephen Harper. Two candidates named Steve? No thanks! Here are three alternative parties to squander your vote on this Tuesday:

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The NeoRhino party came from the Rhinoceros Party, which ran on a platform dedicated to banning guns, butter, gravity, and winter. They wanted to pave Manitoba to make the biggest parking lot in the world. But they've changed. Now they want to invest 5 million dollars "towards creating an army of clowns that will go save the world".

Are you sick and tired of people disregarding "the supremacy of God and the rule of law"? Look up the Christian Heritage Party! Here's their leader, Ron Gray, talking about all the babies Canada kills. They have a message board where supporters discuss things like, "Do unborn children go to hell?" and "Should men wear kilt and kilt-like clothing?" The correct answers, by the way, are No and Yes.

The Work Less Party has a great motto: "Alarm Clocks Kill Dreams". It works because it's saying how alarm clocks, a symbol of the workforce, stifle the hopes and goals of wage slaves. But it's also like, look man, that alarm clock is keeping you from enjoying that dream you're having about flying to Pakistan on a plane full of everyone you've ever slept with. Fuck alarm clocks!!!

PATRICK McGUIRE