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Vice Blog

Vice Advice - What should I say about Prince Harry?

So everyone's suddenly got something to say about Lt. H Wales' latest  mouth-opening fuckup. But as ever, they've all read the same editorials, so they're all singing from the same hymn sheet, compulsively chanting a narrow band of received opinion back at each other.  So how are you going to outflank their water-cooler opinions? By trying one of the following novel tacks, that's how.

A: Outflank everyone else's middling opinions by taking a very harsh line.

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Impress your office colleagues by making the following stump speech:

"Friends, the most pernicious evil facing Britain today is 24 and Royal. Its name is Prince Harry, and he is the cancerous clang of fascism. He wants nothing more than to enslave us, to build a master race consisting of himself and his buddies from Boujis nightclub. With Harry at the head of the Reich, and Tommo, Milky and Woofster as his Gauleiters, The Red Prince will do what the Duke of Windsor never could, and take Britain down the swastika highway to total, total, total totalitarianism. Don't let him do it. Strike out. First off, organise a "Five Minute Hate" against him in your town centre. Cos everyone's got five minutes to give, right? Then, hide all ethnic minorities in internment camps to stop him from offending them. Burn Diana biographies books on massive pyres. Force aristocrats to wear blue stars for ease of identification. And pay attention to Big Brother when he goes on the Indian version to salvage his career. " B: The post-ironic line

Race relations? He's so comfortable with them with that he's essentially become an artist who paints marvelously arch, deftly meaningful things with his vulgarities. Rather like what Chris Olifi does with dung.

This should be a guideline for your dialogue:

So Prince Harry, eh, waddawanka, ahahaha!
Yeah, who would have thought he'd be so capable of cheekily subverting social norms.

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Sorry?
Acting satirically racist to underline the fact that that's the last thing he'd ever do.

You think so?
This is a man who wore a Nazi armband to take a dig at Ron Asheton's dubious political fashions and to highlight the fact that punk, an avowedly working class concept, has been co-opted by the very people it was meant to destroy. He's dating the daughter of a Zimbabwean regime-friend as a means of showing-up the resilience of globalised military-industrial profiteering to even the most staunch sanctions. Bro's got it going on, post-irony-wise.

What is it you do here again?
I've come to fix the photocopier. You're gonna need a new toner cartridge by the way.

C: He's really, really, really thick

Offer the following evidence that you "Heard from sources close to the palace."
1. Regularly has to be told to breathe by aides and can only eat with plastic cutlery as he is terrified of own reflection.
2. Has a 2:2 degree in 'Heiring To The Throne & Media Studies' from the University of Boxford.
3. Likes to waggle his finger up and down on his lips and go “Blblblblblbuh.”

D: Other possible explanations
1. It's all a hoax made up by Buckingham Palace to deflect attention from the Queen's ongoing kleptomania.
2. Meant to be a training video for British Army Raghead Identification Course.
3. Auditioning for role on Mind Your Language remake.
4.  Just wanted to bag an invite to one of Max Mosley's swell parties.

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A History of Blunders: Those previous Prince Harry gaffes in full

1.  Once gave Nelson Mandela a Pound and his coat.

2. Asked Terry Waite to fix his radiator.

3.  Asked group of Swazi children to put their hands up if they weren't dying of Aids.

4. Showed King Bin Saud his watercolours of the Prophet Muhammad.

5.  Made a suit out of aborted foetuses for a meeting with The Pope.

6. Once wore a Nazi armband to a Nazi rally.

Gavin Haynes