KIM JONG-IL IS DEAD
He had a heart attack on a train
Kim Jong-il isn't in charge of North Korea any more, because he is dead. According to state media agency KCNA, NoKo's "dear leader" died on Monday aged 69 after suffering either a stroke or a heart attack while travelling on one of his six presidential trains. The cause of death is being described as "great mental and physical strain". The dictator was apparently on his way to give "field guidance" to a team of workers when he died. Both of these facts are being reported in "inverted commas" everywhere outside of North Korea. Response to his passing has been mixed. A girl from The Only Way Is Essex tweeted "RIP Kim Jong" because she didn't know who he was, and inside North Korea people have been crying a lot in a weird way. Here are some videos of that:
Kim Jong-il's third oldest son Kim Jong-un has been named as the man-child to lead North Korea into a new era of making the rest of the world laugh but frightening it occasionally with statements about nuclear weapons.
Why did Kim Jong-il choose his third oldest son? Because he thinks one of the others is "no good because he is like a little girl" Kim Jong-un, meanwhile, is meant to be a chip off the old block. Good luck, fat lad. North Korea on VICE:
A bunch of other stuff happened while you were lying in bed dehydrated and confused this weekend like a turd that just washed up on a beach. Read all about it on page two.
ANOTHER TORY GOT SACKED AFTER FAILING TO KEEP HIS INNER NAZI LOCKED UP
He organised a Third Reich stag party because he is dumb
Life's tough when you're a Tory MP. The snot-nosed tell-tale tits of the press always seem to be watching, waiting for you to slip-up and out yourself as a Nazi.
Aidan Burley's is the latest Conservative political career to die in fire, after everyone found out he helped organise a stag party in France themed around the exploits of the Third Reich.
Here are some of the hijinks Burley and his mates got up to:
- Chanted: "Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!", "Himmler! Himmler!, Himmler!" and "Eichmann! Eichmann! Eichmann!"
- Dressed the stag – a 34-year-old accountant named Mark Fournier – in a replica SS uniform
- Raised a toast "to the ideology and thought process of the Third Reich"
- Was described by Mr Fournier's brother as "the candidate for Berlin East"
Despite his party displaying an initial reluctance to act, Burley was removed from his position as ministerial aide when they found out it was he who bought the SS costume. Apparently it's a criminal offence in France to wear one "except in specified circumstances". To be honest, I have no idea what those circumstances might be.
THERESA MAY ISN'T PREPARED TO GIVE THE RIOTERS ANY SYMPATHY JUST YET
The home secretary says August flare-ups were due to greed
Home secretary Theresa May believes the August riots were caused by a love of greed rather than a hatred of the socio-political status quo.
She made the comments in an article published by politically neutral UK tabloid The Mail on Sunday, in which she also dismissed many of the conclusions reached by The Guardian and LSE in their recent "Reading the Riots" study.
"By their own account, the rioters were protesting," said May. "This wasn’t mindless violence but a way of making their voices heard. Yet nearly two-thirds of those brought before the courts were charged with burglary, robbery or theft. "So we know that, actually, they weren’t trying to make any political or social statement; they were thieving, pure and simple."
She also branded the people involved in the riots "career criminals" and said she was glad the police were "giving them hell".
A FORMER LEADER PEOPLE LIKED DIED
Vaclav Havel was a dissident playwright and the first post-communist President of the Czech Republic
He was 75. Sorry to make you a footnote, Vaclav, but at least you're not Donald Nielson.