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Entertainment

Four Things The Internet Can Teach You #3

1. MARIAH CAREY CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the above video of "A Blob That Has Been Moulded In to the Vague Shape of Mariah Carey Using Layers and Layers of Spanx and Corsets" falling over was staged for attention. Where did she learn to fall, the parts on The Brady Bunch where Carol receives shocking news?

2. THE WORLD HAS RUN OUT OF JOKES

This is a video I edited together of scenes from the trailer for that shitty new Drew Barrymore movie Going the Distance which were stolen from other movies and TV shows. Luckily they didn't choose some of the most popular comedies of the last decade to steal from, otherwise people might have noticed!

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3. THE WORLD'S WORST VIRAL AD CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN DISCOVERED

I almost feel bad about posting this here because I'm fairly certain no one reading this will have heard of this product until now, and I really don't want to give them any free promotion. But these ads are just so SO bad that I kind of have to. They're for something called Popchips, which are crisps that are neither baked nor fried, but "popped, like popcorn" (which I'm pretty sure is the same thing as "baked", but w/e, that's not the awful part.) The awful part is the viral videos they've made to promote the fucking things. Below are the worst ones, with a breakdown of the worst parts:

Worst parts:

-That it stars Natasha Beddingfield.

-The Ellen name drop. Though I'm no expert on celeb endorsement etiquette, I have a feeling it's seriously not cool to drag an actual celeb down with you. I wonder if Ellen knows she was included in this? I can't imagine she'd be very happy.

-The line "I'm trying to diet, I've got a new album coming out, and I'm really upset. Oh my gosh! These… are not fried. Nyerrrr, healthy!"

-That, when saying she has a new album coming out, she makes the same face that toddlers do when they lie.

-That Natasha never actually puts a Popchip in her mouth.

-That, at the 44 second mark, Natasha looks directly in to the camera and asks "What do you want me to say?". I know you're not a huge company Popchips, but presumably you have a computer? You know they come with free video editing software, right?

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Worst parts:

-That it stars Ashton Kutcher.

-That, again, bigger celebs have been dragged in without their consent. I wonder if Marilyn Monroe knows she's been included in this? I can't imagine she'd be very happy.

-The little pieces of hair covering Ashton's receding hairline.

-The subliminal shot of Justin Timberlake.

-The fact that it makes no sense: "Popchips approached me to answer the question 'what is pop?' and help America and the rest of the world decipher between what is a trend, and what is pop culture". Um, what's that now?

-That they're, essentially, asking you to do market research for them for free.

-The Facebook "joke".

-That he charmingly makes fun of an old photo of Demi Moore. "Mole bangs"? Ooh Ashton, you lovable rogue!

-That the concept of the ad is so unclear that, at one point, Ashton is reduced to just screaming the term "POP CULTURE!"

Worst parts:

- That I'm 99% sure they're not joking.

- That she creates a double negative by crossing out the terms "not baked" and "not fried".

- Use of the term "West Side".

- Their outfits.

- "This is how we snack in Hollywood".

- "Ew! Yeah, I know!"

- The move that accompanies the line "I'm cravin the flavours!"

- The whole thing.

4. SOMEONE STILL FINDS BACON FUNNY

Despite the fact that that annoying bacon meme has been around for over five years now, someone has only just had the idea to make a statue of Kevin Bacon out of bacon. Come on internet, you used to be on top of this shit! I'm disappointed.

Wait, what? There's already jokes about the Segway guy falling off a cliff? Okay, I forgive you.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE