Ways To Tell A Cocaine Addict #1312 And #1313

If cokeheads, with their noses like the Sphinx and their eyes like marbles on a tube train, weren't conspicuous enough already, the media in America have spent most of the day making paranoid people more easy to identify. And the consensus is that if you're looking for a cheeky bump this weekend, you should seek out a British person with at least one rotting ear.

The UK now has the cheapest cocaine in the Western world, with street prices for a gram averaging out at just below £40. This is probably why there are a higher number of discarded origami lottery tickets on Britain's streets than on any other streets on the planet.

Given the mania for cocaine – the Economist reckons about five of every 200 people regularly get together to shout at each other in dimly lit rooms – we better hope this flesh-rotting levamisole stuff doesn't get into our national stash. If it does, a lot of ugly people are going to be having sex with each other pretty soon, which means that they will have ugly kids, which means that they will have kids who have lower self-esteem who will be ensnared more easily by the seedy allure of flesh-eating recreational drugs.

It's what's known among journalists as "a vicious circle". I wonder if levamisole eats arseholes, too?

Anyway, I don't wanna chew your ear off. It looks like it tastes of shit and machines. Happy future, Britain!

MAC HACKETT