Jason's Stuff - Ron De Jeremy: The Adult Rum

I decided that while reviewing this Ron de Jeremy Rum I would also consume Ron de Jeremy Rum, and, for the reader's sake, I’ve noted my consumption here in parentheses. Cheers.

(1) All my friends had something funny to say when I told them I was reviewing Ron Jeremy’s Rum. “Is the bottle shaped like a cock?” they quizzed cheekily before asking the second most popular question, “Does it taste like cock?” No, humorous friends, no; it does not taste of cock. It tastes of rum, good rum, and there’s nothing I like better.

The best thing about rum is the great power it bestows upon its drinker. I could be as drunk as 50 bastards on rum – pissed out of my mind – but still I could beat you in a race to the corner deli for smokes. Under the influence of rum I can fight any man, love any woman; I can pull birds down from the sky with my bare hands, and do fantastic tricks on a bicycle, the likes of which have never been seen.

Perhaps it’s the scandalously high sugar content, or the “Rum gives you power” mantra I like to repeat whenever I drink rum; but whatever reason, rum gives you great power, and with great power comes great responsibility, and with great responsibility comes enormous pressure, and the best way to assuage that pressure is through the imbibing of rum. It’s a vicious circle, man, vicious.

(2) Ron de Jeremy Rum is, according to its label, an “Adult Rum”, which suggests that somewhere in the world there lurks rum for children. Of course that couldn’t be true: who would allow it? Gary Glitter? Yes. I do like the idea of that little fat kid from Two and a Half Men hawking his own ouzo, though. I also like the idea of that little bastard getting trampled by a herd of stampeding bush elephants. Mmmm… this stuff’s pretty good. One and one-half servings and I’m already thinking about maiming precocious children. Excellent. Better put on some Slayer.

(3/4) It’s been 20-30 minutes since I finished the last paragraph. I spent that time playing air drums and ransacking my co-worker's desk drawers for chips (nothing). At this stage some of you may be wondering how Ron de Jeremy tastes, but before we get into that I have to ask why this liquor isn’t called Rum de Jeremy; surely that makes more sense? Or what about just plain old Ron’s Rum? Hell, why not call it Dirty Ron’s Cock Juice and be done with it? The man’s a porn-star, for crying out loud! Where’s the tongue-in-cheek? Where’s the irony, the sly reference? I can’t think of a more fertile ground for euphemism than the one I’m drinking right now, and I’m picking up nothing.

Maybe the bottle should be shaped like a wang after all. The label does carry the tag line, “Long Smooth Taste”, however, and “Long” sounds kind of smutty I suppose. Let's read the blurb on the back of the bottle:

"The Spanish word for rum is RON. Rons come a plenty but only one is larger than life…"

“Larger than life”? That must be an allusion to Ron’s self reported 9.75” penis! Innuendo: Check. Now let’s move on.

(5) So how does Ron de Jeremy taste? Well, I think it tastes wonderful. It has a distinct honey/caramel nose, with notes of both apple and vanilla swirling somewhere down the bottom. It smells boozy but not overly so. The palate is almost the same as the nose, with the exception that it is wet. After five serves of Ron de Jeremy I find that I am virtually unaware of its flavor, but I do remember when I poured my first glass it tasted heavy and sweet, almost treacle-like, and it gave me a warm, comforting feeling as it rolled down my gullet and into the black pit of my stomach.

(6) Ron de Jeremy is a 7-year-old rum, produced in Panama. It is aged in oaken barrels and bottled at 40% ABV (80 proof). It gets you very drunk very quickly (as evidenced by this review) and, despite what my waggish friends say, it will not leave you pissing green spaghetti. (“I wouldn’t drink that, Bro. You’ll get the clap! Ha!”) It will, however, grant you invincibility so long as you keep drinking it, and you will be good at all the stuff you normally suck at.

Ron de Jeremy? Ron de-Licious.

JASON CROMBIE

Previously: JASON'S STUFF: THE WORLD'S LARGEST GUMMY WORM