Photo by Flickr User Francisco Diez
Yesterday, the Wall Street Journal blew the lid off of the preeminent dating website for fans of Ayn Rand and her Objectivist philosophy. For the uninitiated, Objectivism is a system of belief that emphasizes "man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute." In practice, this means being an absolute dick and believing rich people are noble and poor people are morally deficient. Anyway, the Atlasphere connects Objectivists around the world to each other, offers film and literature suggestions (FUN FACT: Objectivists really like The Shawshank Redemption and Les Miserables), and provides you with the opportunity to date people who aren't moochers for a nominal fee of $9 a month.
I have been looking for both a new set of principles to guide my actions and a new place to score easy, casual sex, so this was an ideal time to join a new dating website. I decided to jump in and start mingling. First thing I had to do was set up my profile.
One of the first questions they ask you is about your appearance. I'm not sure what the difference is between "cuddly" and "very cuddly." Seems like some kind of code word for fat. I picked "very cuddly," as I figured Objectivists are looking for a man who likes to cuddle after they get home from a long day managing a train factory or whatever.
After finding cute ways to describe the fact that I am overweight, the questionnaire moved on to something called "narratives."
As you can see from the below screenshot, I answered all the questions honestly.
I didn't spend a ton of time spell-checking my profile, because education in this country is government-funded social experimentation, and ain't nobody got time for that.
After an interminable, seemingly random series of invasive questions about my personal proclivities, I finished my profile. I almost quit when it asked me if I was interested in the "cashflow game," which I thought was some kind of hip-hop reference, but I persevered like John Galt would have. I chose a photo that makes me look not only intelligent and confident, but also completely disinterested in the plight of the lower classes. I just hope my thick beard and loose-fitting sweater made me look appropriately "cuddly."
My next step was to try to find a mate who appreciated my ambition.
My guess is that this lady chose her screenname in honor of Ragnar DanneskjöldI, the rich hero from Atlas Shrugged (all Rand's heroes are rich and vice versa) who sinks ships to protest socialism. I really enjoyed that this mature, independent female was into rock n' roll. I just don't know if I'm ready to date a musician. I'm not sure if she'll love me as much as she loves "the road."
I liked the pun she used for her profile name, but I'm concerned that she's an alien. No human being could possibly have a face that flat. Her collarbone also looks like it could cut me mid-snuggle.
I think this woman might have joined the site as a prank. I don't have time for jokers. Moving on.
I was really taken by this "narrative." I don't have the patience for someone who thinks it's OK to spend childhood playing. Better to be out earnin' than yearnin'. Still, I couldn't ignore the contradiction of this woman simultaneously wanting someone selfish and someone caring. Make up your mind, lady.
She seemed perfect, because I also want fictional characters to exist in the real world. Specifically, I'd be thrilled if Kramer from Seinfeld was an actual person. His commitment to bettering himself through such ingenious capitalistic ventures as opening a pizza place where you make your own pie, driving a mail truck full of recyclables to Michigan, and creating the world's first bra for men are absolutely the kinds of entrepreneurial activities Ayn Rand was talking about in her classic novels. Also, Garfield should be real. Did you read the one where he says he hates Mondays? I hate them too.
I decided to check out the guys, because there's nothing more rational than banging hot dudes, right? I got yet another rocker. I became concerned that the only people who read Ayn Rand are in bands.
I struck out again, as "SurfRocker" appears to be looking for someone who is a "lady in the streets, but boat-friendly in the sheets."
I appreciate that this guy both has an aversion to the current state of the world, but also is strong enough to admit he is too lazy to try to fix it. Sounds like my perfect man!
I don't know what this person looks like, but I do know that she is terrified of communicable diseases. Also, I'm hazy on what a "pass time" is.
It seems that devotees of Ayn Rand really are just like the rest of us, even if they'd prefer not to be. They like to laugh, they enjoy outdoor pastimes like boating, shredding on the guitar, and finding someone cuddly. The Atlasphere doesn't allow you to message people unless you pay the monthly fee, so I didn't holler at anyone. Unfortunately, the cruel reality of our capitalist system doesn't afford me the casual pleasures of online dating. All I can do is hope that the webmasters approve my profile and someone out there takes the time to message me. Ladies and gentlemen, if you are as into free will and self-interested decisions as I am… and if you have a rocking beach body, you know where to find me.
For more on Ayn Rand: