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News of Zealand: Veggie Vibrators and a PM who’s Reptilian

This week the Prime Minister’s legal experts effectively claimed John Key is not not a reptilian humanoid.
February 14, 2014, 6:10am

The conspiracy machine was sent into overdrive this week when the office of New Zealand’s prime minister basically admitted that The Right Honourable John Key was in fact a reptilian shapeshifter hell-bent on conquering the human race. VICE contributor Shane Warbrooke requested under the Official Information Act, “any evidence to disprove the theory that Mr John Key is in fact a David Icke-style shape shifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement.” As is required by law, the office of the prime minister responded to the request within the 20 day time frame, claiming that “no such information existed”. This lead legal experts to the logical conclusion that by effectively claiming he is not not a reptilian humanoid, Mr Icke was probably right all along. Mr Key skillfully dodged questions at a following press conference, as journalists ultimately discovered they were pressing for answers from a silent and discarded shell, from which the prime minister’s slithering body had long since evacuated.

Fans of the popular children’s cartoon Peppa Pig were subjected to an unsavoury surprise when a mid-afternoon airing of the programme was interrupted by the bizarre image of a girl sticking her hands down her pants, then proceeding to lick them.  While regular viewers of the show are no strangers to such grotesque scenes as Daddy Pig farting up a storm in his favourite armchair, they were ill-prepared for the inexplicable ass-flavoured-hand-lick which remained on the screen for a full minute during prime afternoon snack time. Following mother’s demands for an explanation from Channel Four, assumably after spending the afternoon cleaning their child’s regurgitated LCM bars from the living room carpet, the broadcaster apologised for the error. Going on to explain that, “the graphic was intended for another programme.” We certainly hope it wasn’t a cooking show.

Further meals were ruined in Wanaka, where some wanker planted a vibrator in amongst the parsnips at a local supermarket.  A criminal investigation is currently underway to catch the veggie vandal. Senior Constable Ian Henderson has his finger firmly on the pulse though and mentioned in the CrimeLine Newsletter that an older male would soon be identified from the in-store video footage and was advised to own up to his offensive behaviour.

Rap group Odd Future plans to perform in Auckland were scuttled for a second time as they were informed “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” by New Zealand immigration, just hours before they were due to board a flight to support Eminem. The  L.A. based group was previously bumped from the Big Day Out lineup in 2012 when they were denied their visa’s on the basis that they were a “threat to public order” and had “incited riots in previous performances.”  On these grounds, it seems as though 1984 Queen St riot instigator Dave Dobbyn’s regular headline spot at the Christian music festival Parachute may also be under threat.

A South Island doctor entrenched himself into kiwi pub folklore after he stitched up his own leg following a shark attack near Colac Bay. James Grant was spearfishing with friends when he thought someone was tugging at his leg. It turned out to be a sevengill shark chomping on it. Upon this realisation Dr Grant jammed a knife into the shark, swam to shore, grabbed a first aid kit from his van, stitched up the wound, then headed to the local tavern for a pint.

Follow Shane on Twitter: @Doteyes