When I was in elementary school, I curled into a ball and tried to suck my own dick. I failed, but thanks to a new robot called the Autoblow 2, my fifth grade dreams are finally coming true.
Invented by a former lawyer named Brian Sloan, the Autoblow 2 is a machine that gives dudes "surprisingly good" blowjobs. Earlier this year, the sex toy became a viral phenomenon when Sloan raised money on IndieGoGo to commercially produce the device.
"I think that if you asked men what their ideal masturbation-improving device would be, many would say, 'Something that does it for you and you don't have to do anything,'" he told VICE earlier this year.
I agree with Sloan and other dude's sentiment. Since I've never had a boyfriend, I have to log onto a smart phone app whenever I want my balls licked. Many nights, I have ended up with an obscene amount of lube in my bum, listening to a feminine guy brag about how much he loves sports as if he was masc 4 masc. On top of this, gay sex is a messy activity that typically involves some sort of combination of lube, spit, poop, cum, and blood. It's disgusting, but having sex with someone you sort-of like—even if you just met them on your cell phone—is always better than masturbating alone, so when Sloane asked if I wanted a review copy of the Autoblow 2, I jumped at the chance to receive head without dealing with another human being or gay sex's messy aftermath.
Getting ready to use the Autoblow 2 involves a process as lengthy as gay sex preparation. Before I used the Autoblow 2, I had to clean the sleeve that would suck my dick—a beige-colored sack that had a mouth-shaped top and a dick-shaped bottom. Running the sleeve under hot water, I felt like a sorority girl washing her dorm sheets for the very first time.
Sloan said my sleeve was a size B for average-size dicks, but the cock bag fit on my entire arm, so I'm not sure what average-size peen Sloan has seen.
Along with the sleeve and electrical cord, my Autoblow 2 also came with a gallon of lube. This seemed odd at first, but as I set up the Autoblow 2, I realized the robot requires as much lube as a virgin's butthole.
You can't squeeze a soft dick into the toy, so I doused my hand in lube and then jacked off to a video of a bro in cargo shorts fucking another bro. I chose this video over a video of two twinks going at it, because the great part about masturbation is that you can imagine yourself making out with someone who would never kiss you in real life.
After the frat bros helped my lube-soaked dick reach peak erection, I plugged the Autoblow 2 into an outlet. As I held the device over my dick, lube poured out the same way blood dropped from my asshole the first time a guy fucked me in the butt. So far, sex with the Autoblow 2 was a little too much like real sex for my masturbatory taste, but I slid my dick into the machine and slid the switch to on anyway.
Instantly, I felt the device sucking my cock, trying to suck the little baby Mitchells out of me. The blowjob felt rough. It reminded me of head I recently received from a Columbia grad student, who used too much teeth, but unlike the stubble-covered Ivy Leaguer, the sleeve's lips were soft. I laid back and enjoyed the Autoblow 2. Tonight, I am going to cum in someone's mouth without receiving rug burn on my cock, I thought—at least until I remembered the Autoblow 2 made a loud drilling sound.
I moved the on-switch to make the robot shut up—I didn't want my roommates to hear my sex with a robot—and instead the machine made louder sounds and the pace of the blowjob quickened. I felt like Optimus Prime was transforming on my dick, but where Shia Labeouf's best friend's metamorphosis typically involves the destruction of a city, the Autoblow 2 only made my spine curve like a 13-year-old gay boy watching Hugh Jackman dance for the very first time. Eventually, I accepted the noise and went with the robotic lips' flow, because fuck the moral of Terminator 2, kids. Machines give really good head.
Of course, a blowjob alone rarely makes me come. On an average night, I pull out of a guy's mouth and then put my wet one up his ass. My night with the Autoblow 2 would have been great if it also worked as an ass machine, but the device is the NeXT Computer of robotic sex toy, not the tablet computer. So I flung the Autoblow 2 to the side and finished myself off with my hand. Since I used lube to masturbate instead of an old T-shirt like I typically do, I came all over myself. Sex with the Autoblow 2 was as messy as gay sex, but without the fun of screwing an asshole.
This isn't to say I stopped using the Autoblow 2. A few days later, I whipped out my dick and serviced myself again—this time without the help of porn. Once again though, I couldn't orgasm with only the machine's help. I had to pull out, jerk off, and then reinsert my cock into the device right before I came. The blowjob was great, but when I was done, I lifted the machine off me and found my dick covered in more jizz and lube than it has ever been covered in before. Even worse, I had to scrub my jizz off the sleeve afterwards, which is insane considering I don't even clean my butthole right away after I bottom.
The Autoblow 2 gives some of the best—and noisiest—head I've ever received, but evenings with the robot are as lonely as traditional jack-off sessions and as messy as bloody anal sex. Nothing is every going to be as simple as a night with my hands.