When you're tripping balls, just a walk to the corner store can seem like a terrifying and mythical quest. And when you're baked, often the most ambitious thing you can muster is an awkward exchange with the pizza delivery guy. Thankfully, it's rare that we must summon hidden bursts of courage—or coherence—to complete some unforeseen mission. Occasionally though, we must rise to the challenge.
We decided to find out the most ambitious thing people did—or at least attempted—while high as fuck. Let's just say: We're impressed.
I was 17. I had an interview scheduled; it was basically cold-calling, trying to drum up new business for [a Canadian cell company]. The night before, I was drunk, and somebody pulled out a bag of mushrooms. I ate some. I don't think I expected them to last that long. Earlier in the night, somebody found some eyeglasses at the bar. After I had eaten more shrooms, I reasoned that I looked too young for the job, so I put on these prescription glasses that were someone else's prescription. They were really strong, actually. It was your standard, generic job interview. I got myself in the headspace where I was like, Fuck it. I'm wearing someone else's glasses. I killed it. They hired me on the spot. — Andrew F., Toronto
When I got married (he's now an ex), my husband and I were gifted 2.5 grams of mixed synthetic and organic DMT. My husband didn't do any drugs at the time, except for a small amount of cannabis, so I had it all to myself. I would do DMT all the time. A lot of it, for at least a month or two. I started by just sitting down somewhere and smoking it and eventually became comfortable enough to be able to get up and move around, while still tripping (the high only lasts for about ten to 15 minutes if taken on its own.) I was good, until I tried to have sex. BIG mistake—my husband turned into a six-eyed version of Wolfman Jack, and then his face turned into a squid. Bad scene, all around. — Lisa K., Calgary
Four of my friends and I went to someone's cottage and did acid. We got naked and wandered around the yard, so we were covered in leaves. Anyway, we were in the hot tub until one of us proclaimed their love for a woman who wasn't even with us and who I didn't even know. But he kept saying "I love her, and I need to go to her so we packed everything up" (I forgot my bra so packing on acid sucks) and headed all the way back to the city. We all stood outside of her apartment and yelled into the street: "JUST SAY YES TO LOVE!" She threatened to call the cops, so I left and went to Burger King. I don't even eat meat, so I don't know why I ordered a Whopper meal. I gave it to my confused roommates who were wondering why I was home after only four hours at the cottage, covered in leaves, and carrying a fucking Whopper. — Jenny S., Vancouver
I took PCP at a late-night party, completely forgetting that I had a job interview at a video store the next day. I felt as if I was controlling every aspect of the party with my mind, right down to the DJ's song selection. I continued my "mind control" as I walked across the city to get home, which took me nearly four hours. I would point at birds, and they would chirp. I could "make" the streetcars rumble down the track. I was omnipotent, basically. By the time I got to the interview, my confidence was through the roof. "You know I'll be great at this job," I barked. "You should hire me immediately." Surprisingly, they did. I ended up working there for almost half a decade. — Beth M., 36, Toronto I saw an apartment while high on ketamine once. I remember shooting up right before I left home which gets you really fucked up. I was just so mindlessly addicted I didn't think anything of it. I probably thought I could pull it off, and no one would be the wiser. Also, I was like 22, so you don't really think about future consequences. YOLO, right? I remember struggling to find the entrance that was in plain sight. I could barely walk into the apartment. I can't even remember what I was wearing, but it was probably something obliviously outrageously slutty—which I wouldn't have even contemplated at the time if sober. I think I asked if it had a burglar alarm because I couldn't think of any clever questions or appropriate conversation. They were polite but I was borderline incoherent. I didn't get the apartment. — Shayanne C., 27, Toronto
I was 19. My friend and I smoked a joint and went exploring one night. Inside a local university, there was a whole section under construction. No one was watching, and there was nothing to stop random people from going in. We found an excavator with the keys in it so…we put on some random hardhats the guys left behind. My friend drove the excavator while I filmed. He had a hard time understanding how to operate it so he was mostly just rotating, spinning the cabin and moving the arm. The next day, they probably wondered how it had moved. — Lyn, 25, Montreal
I decided to do some Adderall and help a friend finish her basement, doing some tuck pointing, which involves filling in missing mortar between bricks. I felt like disrobing and ended up finishing the job in the nude. — Frank, 45, Toronto
I was 21 and helping my friend put together roses for this woman's wedding. We decided to mention that we did hair and makeup as well. We didn't really, but we figured we'd try and start. My friend is a hairdresser at least, but I've never done anyone else's makeup or hair. I was the "makeup artist." We'd been up on meth for probably three days. We did the bridesmaids, the bride, everything. My hand was shaking, and she was like, Are you OK? Have you done this before? I couldn't really see in front of me. I just sort of went with it. We kind of pulled it off. I think it turned out OK; she ended up using some of the pictures in her portfolio. But that was the first and last time we did that. — Roxy, 29, Toronto
There was a time I was on acid with about six friends. We went to buy some weed, and our dealer had rented a U-haul and was in the process of moving. We decided to help and spent most of the night riding around in the back of this U-haul truck, tripping balls. We managed to get the move done, but there was a lot of dangling appliances by the cords and pushing larger ones down the ramp. My favorite memory from that night was when our dealer's wife was walking by with a laundry basket full of blankets, and one of my friends loudly proclaimed: "That's the type of thing I would want my diaper changed in!" I'm sure we were there for at least 100 hours, but it felt like six minutes. If we were sober, there is no way we would have helped. — Amos, 35, Toronto
Follow Tiffy Thompson on Twitter.