Photo: Emily Bowler
You ever walk a slightly different route to work, overshoot your stop maybe, come in at the place from a different direction? Ever have that weird cognitive dissonance moment when you see a building you've only ever seen from the front suddenly from the back? Or: have they ever let you slip behind the bar at your favourite pub, and suddenly you see everything from a completely different direction, see how you look there, with your £20 note out, how obvious it is to see how long you’ve been stood at the bar, how hard their job must be dealing with increasingly inebriated knobheads like you, see it from that angle, like that?
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Anyway, what I'm saying is: you've been living in this flat for four months and your path to the bathroom has always been the same – from your room, down two small stairs then five large ones, round the corner and in – and now you have to go get your morning piss out the way from a completely different angle, completely different configuration, because you spent most of last night and a large part of this morning rutting up against someone who thinks adding tap water to a bottle of washing up liquid makes another bottle of washing up liquid and not just an ineffective washing up liquid-coloured water.'This is good,' you think, taking your piss (the piss today is: the colour you get when you drink four Nutella jars of supermarket red wine with your housemate and shag them, absolutely no water content, you do not remember the last glass of water you had). 'This is a good and healthy thing that I did. The shagging. Of the housemate.'Got to be honest with you, mate: you should probably pull the Zoopla app up on your phone now, while you're mid-piss, because one of you has to move out as a result of your coitus, and because you were the last person to move in you’re going to be the first one to move out. You've absolutely fucked this.YOUR LANDLORD KEEPS YOUR DEPOSIT BECAUSE "YOU EMAILED TOO ME MUCH". YOU HAVE FAILED AT RENTING!BACK TO THE START