The 'Love Island' Power Ranking: Week Five

The telly is going to murder me. In about a week’s time, I will be declared officially lifeless, and the cause of my death, recorded on the death certificate awarded to me, will read thus: "The Television". It is too much. My body is too frail – already rendered weak from the heat – to take the combination of The Football and The Love Island. I feel as though my nerves are being pummelled by the brute force of ITV.

On top of a huge week for England's Brave Boys, it has also been probably the most dramatic seven days in Love Island history, with some frankly massive moments: human boa Adam is gone, back home to constrict his large body around the women of Newcastle, Megan broke the world record for "most boners given at once", someone said "cunt".

I'm going to have heart failure, but before I do, here's this week's Power Ranking:

We are now at the stage in the Love Island series where "power" is more of a two-pronged sword than ever. Yes, there is inter-villa power – there are the people who make drama happen (what I mean is: there is Megan), and there are people who seem to have ended up in the villa because they wandered onto the wrong hotel transfer bus at Palma airport (really and truly has anyone checked if Grace is OK?) – and this is important. But inter-villa power is only of use if it goes hand-in-hand with public perception power, and as we near closer to the end of the show, public perception power (PPP, if you will, haha) is crucial.

What I am saying here is this: Georgia is inter-villa powerful, yes, very powerful – sheer making-things-happen power emitting from her topknot – but her PPP is dwindling every day, and at this point, that's a death knell.

I put this down to Love Island's very own version of the World Cup's VAR: people sharing the video of her blatantly attempting to snog New Jack on Twitter, over and over again. There’s no hiding from VAR – a thing which wields more power than Georgia’s arse over Sam Bird, i.e. a lot – and in about a week’s time, when the drama blows over and they need to send another "Villa Story" to someone’s phone, Georgia is going to know it.

Wes has managed to pull off one of the greatest sexual coups in modern history, and that alone should be applauded. To consider his position of power this week, we have to consider his weakness last: seven days ago he was wallowing blue-balled around Casa Amor, pining for Megan while she was busily getting fingered by Glasses Alex. Then Wes came back to The Villa, saw his Guinevere next to her Piven-faced Lancelot and decided right there he had two ways out of this: he could be miserable and cry, or he could Graft. And Wes fucking grafted. After some covert operations, secret balcony chats, an out-of-villa date and a Recoupling power move, Wes strategically won Megan back onside, and ousted Glasses Boi so hard he had to leave the Villa entirely then go on Love Island: Aftersun and look really sad.

Do you understand what a flex that is? Do you understand how powerful Wes is right now? Not only has he won the most magnetic girl in the Villa back by cucking the arse out of another man, now Adam has left he is also the de facto leader of the boys (alpha male, best six-pack, good banter, been there since Week #1). Wes right now is so powerful I feel like he could deflect bullets. His only Achilles heel is that pathetic little goatee.

For pretty much the entire series so far we seem to have thought of Jack Fincham as the Robin to Dani Dyer’s Batman, but I put it to you all that in doing so we have made fools – utter fools – of ourselves. We have missed what has been in front of us the whole time. Jack is the shiny Charizard of Love Island contestants: he is actually funny.

Give him an impressions show. Let him present Britain’s Got Talent, except it's just a programme where Jack does different accents now, and we all go: "Jack. Jack has the most talent." Get him and Dani on the This Morning sofa, triumphant atop the lifeless bodies of Eamonn and Ruth. Just keep him on my TV please.

It’s hard for the New Boys to make a name for themselves during the mid-series parachute drop: the house, suddenly swelling to encompass 24-odd near identical boys and girls, descends into this sort of soupy morass of limbs and shaved chests, a many-headed beast that says "DO BITS" in a thousand haunted voices. That is to say: remember Dean? No, of course you do not remember Dean. Remember Glasses Alex? You are forgetting him already. It is impossible for any of them to stand out.

New Jack has almost done that, though, and I like him. At first I just thought he might be a large piece of meat for Laura to chew on, the same way they lower a goat into the T-Rex pen in the first Jurassic Park, but he's proved himself to be a bit more than that: dancing about in his jeans, getting caught on VAR reluctantly getting snogged by Georgia, refusing to get un-broken up with by Laura at dinner. New Jack has forged a name for himself in the Villa – slowly, just barely – and I’m proud of him for doing so. Go forth, NJ, and do your bits.

Josh and Kaz, Kaz and Josh, rolls off the tongue. Despite the drama in which their relationship was initially couched, I can confirm that this is proper, true, real getting-a-dog-together love, and I know this because on Sunday night’s episode Josh said that Kaz has "cute little feet". Do you know how much you have to like someone to think that even their feet – objectively the ugliest body part on any human (unless, of course, you are a Foot Person, in which case congratulations and more power to you) – were crafted by angels, each toe shaped and sculpted by a heavenly being? You have to like them so much. Josh’s head has gone, pulled straight off his neck by Love. It's lovely.

There are fundamentals within the Love Island format that occur each year and keep us watching, and most of them are obvious: we love watching people fall in love (Jack, Dani); we love watching dramatic recouplings (Wes, Megan, Glasses Alex, Georgia, Josh, &c.). We love watching people do lap dances in HD, and people in swimwear mushing food into each other's faces. We love watching night vision footage of lads getting wanked off. We love Caroline Flack flicking her hair while stomping down a gravel driveway. You know all this. The other thing, secretly, that we absolutely love, is: watching beautiful attractive people repeatedly having their heart broken. This is Laura, this year, and last year it was Camilla. This is fun for us because we are all perverts. First there was Wes, and the two of them had the most perfect May–December ten-day relationship that Love Island could possibly offer: full, giddy happiness; discussion about meeting the parents; actually getting quite bored of each other; everything fizzling out. He binned her off for Megan and she went mental. Then, she bounced back to New Jack: yes, his hairline is too low and his forehead is imperceptible, but he’s a tall good-looking lad. Then she got the fear because he got aggressively kissed by Georgia, then she dumped him, then she tried to take back the dumping, and now she’s fucked. I like this. I enjoy watching this. This is my kink. Beautiful people getting dumped because they’re too horny to make good decisions? I love it mate. Hook it to my veins.

Do you want to see a list of things that this so-called medical """doctor""" has said to actual other people on Love Island in only the last week? Of course you don’t, because everything he says has the effect of making everyone want to swallow our own entire bodies through our arseholes, such is the extent that we are physically rejecting it in real time. However, I am going to provide you with one anyway in an attempt to prove that this curséd pink boy must now be on his way:

“Johnson”
In Casa Amor, Alex called a male penis a "Johnson". He asked Adam if Darylle had touched his "Johnson". This is actually illegal and he will be arrested once he is back on UK soil.

“What are your hobbies?”
Alex asked Grace – a woman with whom he has nothing in common other than an astounding lack of conversational skills – “What are your hobbies?” which, unless you are speaking to a person who is very, very interested in horses, is the single worst question you can ask a person you might want to have sex with, sorry.

“Shmouldering”
This is not a word and I will not have this man humoured any longer.

“Do you support football?”
I can’t be arsed. Get him gone.

Get them out. Get them out of there. Get them out of my precious Villa and bolt them in the head. Don’t need them on Aftersun. Don’t care what they have to say. I want three perfect corpses slumping against the back wall. Floating face-down in the Casa Amor pool. Frankie (coke bloat Ollie Locke), Grace (genuinely think she might be leaving the house during the day to commute back to Essex and do hair), Charlie (rich mute) can all absolutely fuck off as far as I’m concerned. YOU’RE JUST FIXTURES AND FITTINGS IN THERE. YOU’RE JUST FIT LAMPS. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY VILLA.

Georgia is the girl you were friends with in primary school, who your mum – employing some sort of always-correct sixth sense that only mums have – would always call "a little madam", raising an eyebrow and flaring her nostrils. You wouldn’t really understand why she called her that, until months later this girl eventually told everyone you had nits before protesting that she had never uttered anything of the sort, and then you would know that your mum was right. She had been a little madam all along.

Georgia started off pretty well: she seemed like a good pal, always running after the Wronged Girls to comfort them; a bit gobby but mostly silly and harmless. Then this week happened – Georgia came to know Rejection at the Kaz-filled hands of Josh – and Georgia’s Mr Hyde came out, blinking its Morphe palette eyes at New Jack and offering Ellie outside ("I WILL GO FOR YOU!!!"). It has been phenomenal television, for sure, but Georgia’s PPP could not possibly be lower. The only thing that could possibly get her under control at this point is if the producers sent her parents in to give her a talking to, because her fundamental nature is that of a spoiled child. She is not long for this villa.

We knew Hayley was an idiot because she blinked very slowly and didn’t know what continents were, and that’s fine: a good old-fashioned television moron is absolutely what the world needs now and again. Georgia, though, is a more nebulous dolt, her idiocy disguised by a sheen or competence, and basically what I am saying is she absolutely fucking does not know what loyalty means and I’m hiring a drone to drop that girl in a dictionary.

Georgia’s strategy this week, at least, has been fun to watch: she’s repeatedly said “loyalty” like a magic incantation while absolutely acting the dickhead to both the girls and the boys, causing a wake of chaos behind her and making Ellie so mad she said "cunt" about it, and in a way I respect it: the house, coasting as it is now towards the final weeks, more and more pairings coupling up into lazy routines, needs the roll of Mentos that is Georgia dropping into the Diet Coke bottle of the Villa. We, the sharks at home, need the chum up chaos on which to feed. But can someone just drag her into the Larder and tell her that’s not what "loyalty" means? I just need to know she knows.

@hiyalauren / @joelgolby