It's been a long, bloody battle but congrats to all the real Americans! The war on Christmas has finally been won. As the little girl says in this pro-Trump ad, "Thank you President Trump for letting us say 'Merry Christmas' again." (Sure, Obama technically said "Merry Christmas" during his presidency, but since he's a secret Muslim it doesn't count, right?)
The war on Christmas began long ago, as Daniel Denvir recently detailed in a Politico article on the history of America's longest-running culture war. "Last Christmas most people had a hard time finding Christmas cards that indicated in any way that Christmas commemorated Someone's Birth" was how a 1921 article package in noted anti-Semite Henry Ford's newsweekly (titled The International Jew: The World's Foremost Problem) put it. In 1959, the far-right John Birch Society wrote that an "assault on Christmas" was being carried out by "UN fanatics… What they now want to put over on the American people is simply this: Department stores throughout the country are to utilize UN symbols and emblems as Christmas decorations.”
But things really kicked off in 2004, when The O'Reilly Factor aired a segment titled “Christmas Under Siege,” where the Fox News host (who has since been disgraced and fired) grumbled about the New York mayor unveiling a "holiday tree" and Macy's greeters opting to say "Happy Holidays" in lieu of "Merry Christmas."
Naturally, Donald Trump, the king of the culture wars, has been a long-time advocate of Christmas in this Holiday battle. In 2015, he promised supporters, "If I become president, we're going to be saying Merry Christmas at every store." While his delinquent children may not be so keen on celebrating the birth of Jesus—Ivanka, a Jewish convert, celebrated Hanukkah once again this year, and son Eric tweeted, "Happy Holidays from TrumpWinery.com"—the president has nevertheless made good on his promise to make Christmas merry again.
Which poses the question: What's the next pointless culture war?
Make Christmas One Day Again
As I've written previously, "What's up with this 12 days of Christmas nonsense? Sounds awfully Jewish to me."
Think about the holidays that are multiple days long: Hanukkah. Kwanzaa. Passover. Ramadan. None of those words sound particularly American to me! Which is why the notion that Christmas should be 12 days long is absolutely absurd. This year, I invite my fellow Great Americans to flip the bird to the PC snowflake liberal agenda to Jew-ify Christmas by making it 12 days long.
Make “Take A Knee, My Ass (I Won’t Take A Knee)” the New National Anthem
Now that the war on Christmas is over, we finally have time focus on what really matters—whether athletes choose to protest police brutality (or the troops????) by kneeling for the national anthem. But the national anthem as it is now, with its boring-ass "o say can you see" shit, does not properly respect America's freedom, guns, and patriotism. Which is why we need to start a divisive national debate about changing our national anthem to the protest song of the year, “Take A Knee, My Ass (I Won’t Take A Knee).”
We all know that socialism is bad and capitalism is good, but even the most passionate lover of the free market must admit that some things should be public, like roads and schools and parks, and definitely not healthcare. If we want to stay true to the second defendment, we should probably nationalize guns, too, because how else will we be safe? Disagree? Please, yell at me!
The New Star Wars Wars
Some conservatives reportedly do not like the new Star Wars movie because Luke Skywalker is not a Christian anymore and most of the film is the characters asking Noam Chomsky to explain his views. Should America ban all Star Wars movies? Or should children be forced to watch them? Let's debate this on CNN.
Abolish Public Restrooms
We've all heard about the anti-trans bathroom bills that various state legislatures have tried to pass. But think about this—if we can't all agree on who gets to go where, then no one gets to go at all. That's only fair. Also, do you really want the government to decide where you can go to the bathroom? No.
The War on New Years
Think about how bad 2016 was. Think about how much worse 2017 was. 2018? No thanks, and you can't make me.
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