The BigoDicky was an ill-fated crowdfunding project: A sports bra and shorts set outfitted with a dildo and nipple stimulators. It was doomed from the start, never meant to exist in this world—probably because it looked like a torture device, and not in a fun way.
Teledildonics developer Kyle Machulis spotted this thing on Monday. As he and others point out, it appears that this all-male team of developers misses the point on female pleasure entirely, opting instead for a pair of shorts attached to a dildo and a nipple-twisting bra.
Created by Hong Kong based company Quadragon Digital Media Limited, the campaign closed sometime in 2017 after a year of development. Eight backers raised just $2,170 of the $60,000 goal. The world was spared.
Look: Abstract, outside-the-heteronorm tech that approaches pleasure in unexpected ways is great. This isn’t that. This… is a purple nurple machine. Inside the bra are 18 electrical muscle stimulator (EMS) pads, which seems like too many. In the center of the pads are “rotating massagers,” which look like either one of those electric face-exfoliating tools, or the Vorze UFO SA nipple stimulator, but painful.
The shorts are a whole other story. The developers—again, a team of four men—seem to think that women want to cold-cram on a pair of bike pants attached to a 5.5-inch dildo that they can’t remove once these tight shorts are on, before any kind of foreplay starts.
To walk us through this already-bizarre outfit, the campaign page includes several vague, yet inexplicably hilarious videos that show the toys out of context, like the vibrator humping away at nothing in the shorts and responding to voice commands, and the EMS pads in the bra demonstrated on a twitching forearm.
Then there’s this truly cursed video, embedded on the campaign page with no explanation:
Penis-havers might be feeling left out at this point, but don’t you worry your horny head: The guys at Quadragon made a sex toy for you, too. “ZiZi” is a fleshlight that comes equipped with VR capabilities and two canisters that hold inflatable fake boobs. Put your dick in the tube and your hands in the booby cubbies, and the breasts inside inflate to whatever size you want—within 33B to 36F, anyway.
“While many masturbators only give pleasure to you bottom body, we believe in real sex you also wish to have a good touching experience,” the canceled Indiegogo campaign states. “This is the reason why we develop Zizitube. It gives you a VR porn movie, and a masturbator and also a real touching experience on breast (which can even be adjustable).”
I’m ultimately left with more questions than answers. I emailed Quadragon, and will update when we hear back.