The annual scourge known as the free agency moratorium is finally over and with it goes the constant speculation and conjecture. A pox on the offseason and a threat to the sanctity of the NBA summer vacation, it couldn't have ended sooner. With a deep, cleansing breath, let's all get back to what matters and start strong this week: a 4th of July recap and the patriots who are fighting for the summer vacation they deserve.
Dwyane Wade has been on vacation since the beginning of June, romping around the ancient world and never wearing the same outfit twice. As you know from following this column since the outset, he and Jimmy Butler were in Paris the same time as the Brodie, but in case there was any doubt Dwyane went ahead and made it fairly clear:
It was then on to the Italian Riviera, where Wade speculated on his pasta intake and reveled in his love of short shorts.
Short shorts is the vacation thing to do, and I'm just finally fucking relieved to hear someone else say it.
Could it get any better? Trick question. Shorter shorts, a bigger banana boat—summer vacation can always get better, and just when we were all frothing at the banana boat bit, Gabrielle Union came through with the gentlest of trolls to cap off this exquisite getaway.
Rating: 10 out of 10 and 0 indication that Wade gives a lick about the false idol of free agency, so, an 11
Frankly it's surprising it's taken us this long to get King James on vacation but what we've got was well worth the wait. LeBron is—maybe?—on vacation alone, modestly enjoying the fruits of his labor (he guesses), a single cigar at a beach cabana bar while the gentle sounds of Michael Jackson can be heard over the even gentler sounds of LeBron singing along to Michael Jackson. A fan spins overhead, a staff member LeBron features when he reverses the camera very briefly confirms they are in Mexico, and the bluest of waters winks in the distance.
Rating: I guess it's ok! indeed
The Memphis Grizzlies point guard spent his 4th playing backgammon and I'm going to go ahead and use my powers of summer vacation deduction and say it was beside a pool.
Rating: Whatever the best score is in backgammon
Human drain clog Olynyk proved he doesn't know how to have fun, not that anyone was asking or had any slight inclination to even ask. Speaking of incline, this "bike" is an elliptical on wheels. Don't be fooled by his attempt at an easy, breezy trade Tweet, Kelly Olynyk is a threat to vacations.
Rating: -10, basically the equivalent of a Boston winter
An unexpected but welcome addition to the roundup! The Junkyard Dog is in week 2 of Ice Cube's BIG3 league and has been cutting his t-shirt sleeves into tassels. There's something to be said for keeping the summer vacation mindset with you, even when you're at work. It's what is meant by living free.
Rating: 8 plastic-beads-braided-into-the-frayed-tatters-of-JYD's-t-shirt out of 10
Frye, AKA Black Lightning, went to a winery in Oregon with some friends and used the Aden filter.
Rating: A buttery chardonnay with nary a hint of oak, a real slow sipper
I'll be honest, with this gong show of a free agency week it was looking dismal for the chances of getting someone drinking out of a coconut, but would you look at who came through for us? It's Paul, tenderly chugging a coconut, looking out into the distance of a coconut-less Denver.
Rating: An endless stream of limes in the coconut to last you through the chill of a Colorado winter's night
Admittedly this is a revisit to Dion in May, but an appropriate one given his freshly inked $52 million deal with the Heat. I know I promised this column was all about vacations and not the banality of contracts, but I just want you to take a look at Waiters here wearing a shirt with himself on it, on a bed on the front of a boat, and think again about how bad failed human hairstyle Kelly Olynyk is at vacations.
Rating: 9 boat beds out of 10 for Waiters, another -5 for hairball Olynyk