Are you interested keeping your own dignity in front of strangers? Would you like to maintain a functioning liver? Do you not want to hate songs you would usually dance your ass off to? Is a healthy sleep schedule on your to-do list? Then you better believe me when I tell you: never, ever date a DJ.
I admit, it's easy to get caught up in romanticizing the idea. It would be nice to be the chosen one, standing next to him (or her) behind the turntables while he's satisfying the willing crowd, clinking glasses filled with vodka cocktails until you two lovebirds stagger towards the requisite hotel suite to really get the after-party going. That, however, is a fantasy. Being a DJ's steady girlfriend sucks so hard, that having your name on a few guest lists every other weekend can only compensate for the hardships if you turn a blind eye to reality.
Your point of view on parties is about to change abruptly and forever
While other couples spend their nights snuggling on the couch, meeting friends at a bar or engaging in some sexy time, you have to spend them at a variety of clubs. You will stand around, feeling kinda useless as he sets up his equipment. You will realize that your actual day job with its meetings, stresses, and fixed hours is the main reason that you are extremely tired and—worst of all—underdressed. That will happen exactly once, until you go bananas on your outfit and end up looking like you just popped out of a cheap prog house video. For you, "date night" is lingering around the DJ booth, with your boyfriend doing his thing and you tolerating or fending off annoying people and their personal music requests.
Generally, you are the most useless person there and you know it. You can neither be productive in any way, nor get crazy on the dancefloor with your boyfriend standing right there but unavailable to you. You will also soon know the playlist by heart. Sure, DJs diversify the tracks in their set, but after the third night you start to realize how repetitive his sets really are. You will begin to hate those songs even more than your relationship.
Socializing at 100dB
Wasting your weekends (as well as your life) in various posh nightclubs or teen disco nights goes hand-in-hand with the pleasure of meeting all sorts of club owners, bartenders and bouncers. All of them will try their hardest to tolerate you being there, when at the same time they are really hitting it off with your boyfriend. It's a safe bet that you will hate 99% of them, but it's your job not to show that. Although they are the most arrogant people you will probably ever meet, you'll never quite understand the reasons behind their self-confidence. Preparing yourself for another one of those nights, you'll likely start to get drunk immediately, bulk ordering drinks at the bar with your boyfriend not even noticing how blatantly some bartenders start to hit on you.
This is where you find yourself at the crossroads. You can either get piss-ass drunk and tell those assholes to go fuck themselves, or invite a friend to keep you company. But bringing friends to his shows will eventually reduce him to a combination of human jukebox, coat rack, cup holder and entertainer. In theory, you respect his work and his talent, so you'll prefer to try to find a middle ground between getting drunk and keeping your mouth shut.
DJs have groupies
Speaking of keeping your mouth shut, for whatever reason, DJs are just so damn sexy in the eyes of female clubbers. (Clearly, you thought so too once, but now you know better.) Looks have nothing to do with it. He is the DJ and therefore noticeable. Night after night, all of those women in their skimpy outfits will lurk around your boyfriend and try to secretly slip him their phone numbers. And as if this weren't enough, hordes of "old friends" will touch him, hug him and still seem shocked at the fact that he is in a relationship. Enduring all of this disrespectful behavior, you still have to try to keep your mouth shut because being friendly to them is part of his job.
Someone asks you to help out at the door? You better run, girl!
You seem to have stumbled upon a solution to some of these problems when the staff asks you to help out at the door and collect the cover charge or sell tickets or cross names off a list. At first you might be thrilled: Finally there is a chance for you to be productive! There's something for you to do! You will quickly realize that you're basically working for free and handing out change under the influence of the light buzz you need to maintain just to be there is trickier than your math midterms. You're putting stamps on people's wrists while inside, female fans are lingering your boyfriend. Plus, you're guaranteed to be either puked on by some drunk guy or to be fighting off any attempts by strangers to steal from the cash box.
There is always another party coming
You may live through these awful club nights for a while, but sooner or later decide not to humiliate yourself any more and just stay home. Believe me, it won't change a thing. All of those unfriendly people you've had the pleasure to meet will start to be frequent guests at your place to discuss the upcoming events. ("We should have invited more people on the Facebook invite! We have to get serious about promoting these parties!")
Facebook, you hellhole of a social network
Try to ignore your DJ boyfriend's activities on Facebook, because all of those updates like, "Your boyfriend is now friends with Bambi, Amber, and Gogo-Ginger" will be very upsetting. Stop looking at all of those photos taken at various clubs when you were busy sleeping at home. You want to supportive and will try to be happy for him because he is able to make money doing something he loves. If you're unable to wake up every Sunday at 4pm, having cold burgers for breakfast with a smile on your face, you're better off dating some 9-to-5 bank teller.
The next time you're at the club and see a woman standing next to the DJ and looking bored. There is a price to be pay if you want to date a DJ and she is paying it. You can see it in her eyes: Being the girlfriend of a DJ is not cool at all. It's shit!
Written for THUMP Deutschland by Yasmin Kühn. Translated by Daniel Marz.