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Some Very Important Questions Raised by the Promo Video for Pioneer's New Mixer

Pioneer want us to "Prepare for Battle" and, boy are we ready.
August 4, 2015, 11:30am

Getting excited about new DJing gear is like getting excited about roadworks coming to an end, a new Harper Lee novel, or the prospect of a post-payday chippy tea: it's tinged with ennui. Still, Pioneer are releasing a new mixer soon and because I sometimes find myself being asked to play records in clubs that have mixers, this is oddly quite exciting news even though I hate myself just a little more than usual for being momentarily perked up by the announcement of a new mixer. I've now watched this video several times and am no clearer to actually knowing anything about this new mixer other than the fact that something is going to happen on the 6th of August. Is it coming out? Will there be another video teaser? Who knows! All I know is that I thought a lot of things while sitting through 59 seconds of very-little-actually happening.

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The video, and my very important questions, are below.

The voice over is quite cool, isn't it? Ponderous, slow, full of…dramatic…pauses, which really heighten the atmopshere at the same time as hammering home the fact that nothing of interest is actually said. In full, we're told the following:

"This is gonna change everything….especially for me…this is everything that I would ever need…it's kind of like the 909 on super steroids…"

Which actually, sadly, means fuck all.

Who's doing the voiceover? What's it going to change? Can anything ever be changed in totality? Really? Can it?

Why would a drum machine need to take steroids in the first place, let alone super steroids? That's just mad. Absolutely mad.

How is a mixer like a drum machine? What's happening here, what are they doing, is this some kind of terrifying hybrid-technology that lets the user play synth-bongos over the top of records and thus kickstarts the wine bar house revival?

Oh right, they mean the DJM-909. Right.

Still, is wine bar house even a thing?

I don't think I've ever actually been to a wine bar.

Wine's alright, isn't it? Takes a bit of getting used to though.

I could go for a glass of white right now. Whatever's on offer in Sainsburys. I fancy a glass of white wine and a ham sandwich. Cheap ham on cheap bread that's been utterly slathered with cheap buttermilk spread.

Oh, there's lots of nice flashing lights in this. Flashing lights in a club are wicked.

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Talking of flashing lights, I was in Ikea at the weekend and they've already got Christmas stuff out.

Seems to come around earlier and earlier every year now, doesn't it?

I'm not into Christmas as much as I used to be. I don't get that buzz any more. It's still alright though.

Same with birthdays, actually. Not so much into them these days. Never know what to ask for.

I'd quite like to ask for a mixer for my next birthday, now I think about it. Nothing fancy, though. Just a basic one. Just one that does the basics, but does them well. Yeah, I'd quite like that.

Oooh, a date! That's quite cool. I like that bit. It's good because it's mysterious and mystery is quite appealing, isn't it? Everyone likes a good mystery.

Might get really into Judge John Deed. Bet that's a good programme. I don't watch much telly, but when I do, I only want to watch the best. That's why I'll be getting really into Judge John Deed now that the nights are drawing in.

Head to Pioneer's website on the 6h of August to find out more about this mysterious new mixer.

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