Drugs are bad.
Great, now we've got that out of the way, let's talk about music festivals. While everyone reading this article is a responsible adult, there will always be people who try and sneak drugs into festivals. Some get caught, but others hone ingenious ways to get pingers past cops and through those gates. With the summer festival season upon us, VICE went in search of some impressive hiding spots.
My tactic to find these people was simple—keep an eye out for anyone taking refuge away from security, or anybody with a jaw going around like a baggage carousel. That wasn't difficult at all.
The first bloke I met was Ben, who took a route that most men would avoid. I noticed him sitting against a fence with a familiar tranquil look on his face and asked if he was on drugs. Ben told me that he'd had a couple of bumps and a couple of drinks that arvo. When I asked him where he stashed his drugs, Ben told me he shoved them up his butt.
Apparently it had all started as a joke with a few mates saying his baggie was too big to shelf. But a petrol station and a handful of lube later, Ben was sitting pretty. I asked whether there'd been any problems between the petrol station and the festival gates, and Ben said he'd actually been pulled over by a cop. He freaked out, clenching his butt cheeks, but it turned out he'd just run a stop sign. $433 and a polite conversation later, Ben learned two lessons—how to stop at a stop sign for at least three seconds, and how to fit a weekend's worth of drugs up his butt.
After Ben I met a girl who was using a Mac foundation case to powder her nose. Although it turns out she was actually planning to put powder up her nose. Kate was happy to share with me her special technique with me—she said she'd never had any issues sneaking her naughty gear in. I didn't even know compact make up cases had a sneaky compartment. Cheeky girl, that one.
As I walked around the festival I stumbled across some mates I hadn't seen for months. To celebrate our reunion we went to their tent for cigs, bevs, and snacks. I noticed that they'd also managed to sneak in gear.
Deccy had stashed his stash in the aircon compartment of his car. He told me the first few camping festivals he'd been to he went to extreme lengths to hide his contraband. That had involved removing screws, taking the floor out of the car. After a few festivals, they realised their efforts were pointless. So this time they'd decided not to go overboard.
Initially, they were going to put everything in their undies but then they noticed how easily the aircon vent popped out, and perfectly fitted their stash. "Dossy also hid half an ounce of weed in his beanie," Deccy told me. "Hidden in plain sight, Jason Bourne-style."
The next criminal willing to share with me their secret location for their illegal substances was Georgia, who was clearly having the absolute time of her life. I approached and asked if she'd brought any drugs and, if she did, what was her technique. "I've got mine stashed in this mint tub!" she said with a grin.
"Are you keeping your breath fresh and minty?" I asked her. "Always!" she replied. "These mints are to clear my sinuses out only so that I can block them again later."
The last punter to share their hiding spot with me was a guy who—for privacy reasons—would only let me refer to him as Kanye. Kanye was lounging in his camping chair and stabbing a knife into a roll-on deodorant bottle. Turns out Kanye was not using his deodorant to smell good.
"Right, here you have some fool-proof gear stashing technology. You need to get a knife and pop this little ball thing out. But don't forget to stash your gear in some plastic or you'll get all this nice smelling shit on your gear," Kanye informed me. "Chuck your gear in a condom and protect that shit the same way you protect your willy."
Great advice Kanye, as always.
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