Somebody needs to inform the world's despots that torture and exile are so totally passé. It's 2015 and there is truly no better way of subtly sniping your geopolitical detractors than setting aflame a fucking massive pile of Camembert, Viking funeral-style.
At least that's what the visionary folks over at the Ministry of Agriculture of the Russian Federation seem to think.
Whether we're talking about a shawarma-fueled social media proxy war or getting your Hungry Hungry Hippos on with some decidedly dubious Filipino crocodile meat, we can all agree that some seriously strange solutions have arisen from the shitshow that is the Russian imports sanctions situation.
Well, Russia's newest tactic for turning this Cold War red hot has just surfaced. Last Friday, Russia's Minister of Agriculture, Alexander Tkachev, proposed that instead of sending back smuggled food items to their country of origin, it would serve the motherland better to simply have customs officers destroy the stuff.
As you may know, in response to Western sanctions against Russia following the conflict in the Ukraine, Russia has banned the import of Western beef, pork, fish and dairy. Now, the ban apparently isn't enough for the Russians—they want to destroy any Western food that does happen to arrive at the borders.
Russian newspaper Kommersant reports that in a government meeting where president Vladimir Putin was present, Tkachev said: "I want to ask you to do everything possible to allow us to destroy illegal agricultural cargo that arrives at the border right there."
Unsurprisingly, everybody's favorite bear-straddling president agreed: "Let us accept the proposal of the Minister." Putin has called for his government to consult with lawyers and develop the adequate steps to put the plan into effect. Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev expounded on Friday about the numerous ways smugglers are able to bring in embargoed foodstuffs.
This probably isn't the best of news for the countless Russians feeling the negative effects of the sanctions. Food prices have soared since the sanctions started, leaving numerous citizens to consort with shadowy netizens for their unmet culinary needs.
In fact, though, Tkachev's proposal has already garnered several other supporters. The head of Russia's National Union of Milk Producers, Andrei Danilenko, strongly supports the plan and lamented to Kommersant that despite producing enough milk to be self-reliant, Russia was still plagued by foreign milk in its markets.
So, you ask yourself, what is it exactly that has convinced Mr. Danilenko of the plan's validity? How about this: "There are technologies that allow to destroy any product—say, burn cheese." Damn those Reds and their futuristic space magic!
It just goes to show you, in the end, all multinational shadow conflicts inevitably come down to a technological arms race, and sometimes they involve cheese. At least the good ones do.