Hold on, Tom’s here. I thought they… ah, and his flatmate Ben is here as well, and it seems him and Amanda are: huh. Okay. They are both moving in the soft gestures of boyfriends – hugs from behind with the cold of the night on their coats, gentle over-the-shoulder kiss on the lips, pointing round the group and seeing if anyone wants a drink, drink, drink? – but it’s wrong, now, having people holding hands here, it’s all… the energy has changed now two silent boys with kind eyes and soft hair are here, on spare stools oddly taller than the rest of the group, watching. “You guys having fun?” they say, and yeah, sort of, but like. It would be a lot more fun if you were… you know, dead.

YOU HAVE FAILED AT VALENTINE’S DAY