The VICE Guide to a Slappin’ Charcuterie Board

Happy Bastille Day! The French have accomplished a lot of cool stuff, from inventing Minions to baking really long bread, but it’s the charcuterie board that slaps the hardest. Pardon our Minionese, but nothing is quite as wonderful as an afternoon filled with ice-cold rosé and a spread of gooey Camembert and marbled meats. 

Charcuterie boards are our preferred dining style, because they favor picnics as well as buttoned-up galas; a charcuterie board is just as at home in the park as it is the claws of a Fortune 500 bro—crypto kings gotta eat!—and these summer months are prime time for diving into the art of making your own charcuterie board. Of course, if you ask a charcuterie board purist, they’ll say, “rEal cHarcUteriE bOardS aRe jUst mEat,” to which we say, “Do you—but don’t rain on our seven-dip parade.” We’ll be in the grassy knoll, sucking the goat cheese off our crush’s fingers and spreading fig jam on toast while you sit on your sad, Puritan throne.

That being said, there are some general guidelines for how to make a charcuterie board if you’re new to the craft. Traditional boards include meats such as salami, chorizo, and prosciutto, a side of baguette slices, and whatever cheeses float your boat. You can (and should) garnish your cheese plate with grapes, berries, seasonal fruits, or whatever you deem appropriate. Should you seek some rogue inspiration, there’s an entire Twitter account, @Charcuteriebot, dedicated to asking one question: Is this a charcuterie board? (The answer is always yes.)

In this house, we believe all charcooch boards are valid, whether they’re laden with Capri Suns and “Lunchable cheese reductions” or expensive European cheeses made on mountains we can’t pronounce. We’re going to cover the basics of building your own charcuterie board this summer, from breaking down the best French knives and rustic cutting boards, to finding the best ways to order gourmet meats and cheeses online. Switch on that baguette lamp, and let’s (respectfully) motorboat some Humboldt Fog. 

Beginners can’t go wrong with a classic wooden charcuterie board. We’re partial to a circular board or a live-edge plank, because both make us feel like an unbothered Game of Thrones villager. 

This platter comes with its own knives and ramekins for olives, tapenades, and meltier cheese, and it has an impressive 4.8-star average rating on Amazon from over 4,100 reviews. “The board was easy to clean, and the small forks were a great accessory,” writes one reviewer. “I ended up using the fruit tray to hold a dip and crackers; it’s super versatile.” 

Getting your charcuterie on in the great outdoors? Then it’s time to get domed—it’s the best way to protect your precious spread for summer bugs. (Except for fireflies, who are always invited to the party.) 

What begins as a single, united cheese platter can disassemble to travel the table, making this the Swiss Army knife of the charcuterie community. Plus, white marble’s always a classy move. 

MacKenzie-Childs came to play with this checkered enamel cheese platter, which will make for a striking photo once you’ve dressed it in prosciutto and a wheel of Brie. 

The manic pixie dream girl of cheese boards, courtesy of the iconic New York City dinnerware, flatware, and glassware store Fishs Eddy. We knew amber was the color of our energy, but now it’s also the perfect color for highlighting our fig jam. 

The icon, the legend, the lore—Laguiole knives are one of France’s best gifts to the world from “knife city” in Auvergne over a century ago, where they could be found in the pockets of any respectable shepherd or farmer. It was also tradition for folks to thrust the single blade knives into the ground for prayer, exposing the handle’s signature cross and fly (so #metal) embellishment to the sky. If they go that hard for Jesus, just imagine what this 33% off set can do for your Gruyère.

If you want the Laguiole look on a budget, there are also some more affordable options inspired by the region available on Amazon (not that your dinner guests need to know that). This seven-piece set has a 4.6-star average rating on the site, where one reviewer writes, “[I] used it for a wedding cheese plate on a wine barrel lazy susan. These knives looked so great, and [were] easy to use. The guests kept remarking how nice it was.”

If you’d like to cut the cheese with a golden blade (wouldn’t we all??), Pottery Barn’s gilded Luna Cheese Knife Set is on sale for a limited time, and makes every bite feel that much more expensive. 

[The skas have entered the chat.]

Cheese planes are like the sawmill of cheese slicers and knives, because they do not quit. They’re also perfect for anemic peeps who can’t be bothered to exert any physical force to slice cheese, and if you get one sans wooden handle, you can just toss it in the dishwasher—more Mimolette time for you, less cleanup. Now eat some spinach, please. 

Granted, this CHEESE SWORD is best suited for grating Parmesan over pasta, but who knows where your charcuterie ventures will take you; maybe you’ll need a dusting of nutmeg, or a pile of finely grated cheese to sprinkle over your tomato-topped crostini. Besides, think of how sick it will look in photos, placed cheekily beside the grapes. 

Don’t live by a cheese shop or a grocery store slinging supreme saucisson? No sweat. There are so many places online to buy mouthwatering cheese and meats online. Porter Road’s collaboration with butchers of Atlanta’s Spotted Trotter has made for a pasture-raised, peppery salumi.

Williams Sonoma is filled with epic cheese and meat bundles, and is a great place for getting inspired and educated about flavor pairings. Its Point Reyes cheese collection is a balanced blend of blue, toma, and white Cheddar cheeses, while the European cheese and charcuterie crate (how Raiders of the Lost Ark) is filled with cured ham from the Black Forest, Swiss diablo cheese, and the creamy, silky Caprino del Piemonte.  

Our hearts belong to Daddy, and by that we mean Murray’s Cheese. The artisanal cheese and speciality foods market is a Greenwich Village classic, and you can shop its best-sellers online whether you’re chilling in Brooklyn or over in the Golden State. Find us spoiling our friends with its duck liver mousse, which is soaked in port wine to create a silky, robust flavor. 

This spicy cheese dip probably won’t make it to the charcuterie board, because it’s far too easy to slam during a Netflix binge. It’s salty, creamy, and will give you sweet peppadew dreams. 

One of the best ways to hone your charcraft is by studying the masters, and that includes the founding fromage fathers: Williams Sonoma and Harry & David. If you don’t have time to put together a charcuterie board, you can flock to one of these online culinary watering holes to find pre-arranged charcuterie spreads such as the Lady & Larder medium cheese board, which comes with pasture-raised heritage-breed pork, fudgy cow's milk blue cheese, roasted Santa Barbara pistachios, Montmorency cherries, sliced prosciutto from heritage pigs (the wizards of pigs, man) and more. The only thing missing is the Queen’s swans. 

We’ve all seen the “Larry & David” episode of Broad City, right? These bros are icons of the pre-assembled cheese board game, and brought their whole Davidussy into the fromage and finger-foods spread of this European-inspired feast filled with Tartufo salami, dried Turkish apricots, Lionza cheese, dolmas, and the option of tacking on wine to your order. Separately, all of these delices would easily total over $200—but here it’s a steal for only $179. 

A checkered roll-up blanket with a handle is a Virgo’s dream. It will also make you feel as if you’re chilling at a camp in the Catskills, even if you’re in that park by the Superfund river that smells like fried batteries (it brings a nice acidic note to the cocktail hour). 

Ever wondered what it would be like to 101 Dalmations on shrooms? Here ya go. And don’t worry, this puppy is machine-washable. 

Another perk of charcuterie is that it’s handsy. You’re using your fingers and a few cheese knives to pluck your miniature smorgasbord, and if you’re not popping that manchego right into your mouth you’re arranging it on a napkin or dessert dish. This set of six appetizer plates comes out to a little more than $7 each, and is very Rainbow Connection.

“The blue of the napkins is an homage to Roquefort,” you’ll say as you dole out one of these 20 German-made cocktail napkins. Damn you’re good, you erudite SOB.  

“Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow up Without Camembert.”

Bon appétit, charcuties.

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