Welcome to Under a Hundo, where your faithful VICE editors find the best versions of anything and everything you're desperately seeking—all for under $100. Whether it’s fancy knives, instant-vacation-vibes patio furniture, or suspiciously underpriced ghost-hunting equipment, we’ve got your thrifty needs covered.
Have you ever come back from an international excursion and wondered why American bathroom tech hasn’t caught up with the rest of the world? Or, perhaps you recently watched Deadpool 2 and you can’t stop thinking about that one scene you didn’t know Matt Damon was in (though, if that’s the case, you’d probably already have the ass-wipe disrupting solution). If so, hear us out: Sometimes, getting blasted in the ass is a good thing. But we’re not talking about politics today—we’re talking about the magical, ass-cleaning powers of the quasi-taboo bathroom accessory, the bidet.
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, bidets get the job done far more efficiently than just toilet paper, and they’ve never been more accessible, affordable, and easy-to-install than they are now. That means no more having to hang your ass out of the Splash Mountain log flume to try to clean up after a trip to the bathroom. We’re truly living in a wondrous age.
Now, there are plenty of bidets out there that cost hundreds—and often thousands—of dollars. These, we’re sure, are great—but they’re way out of our price range. After all, we’ve only budgeted around $100 for ass-care this month. With that in mind, we scoured the web for the best affordable bidets, so your booty can live out its days (nights?) in freshly washed peace.
These are perfect for the next time you get invited to a potluck dinner. (Nobody really wants your tray of dry brownies, anyway, and even though you put it in your own Tupperware, everyone knows you didn’t rotisserie that chicken yourself.) You know what people are gonna go crazy over? A burlap sack full of personal, travel bidets. The HAPPYPO Butt Shower costs less than a big case of LaCroix, and fits discreetly into a purse or backpack. Pig out, plop down, and blast off.
The gold standard
You’ve seen the pastel-colored marketing, the bubbly branding, and the ass-eating ads. They might be a little on the nose, but Tushy’s products are affordable, effective, and loved by thousands of happy customers. The knobs are made from brass or sustainable bamboo, which are easy to grip and turn to your butt’s preferred water pressure.
Flowers aren’t the only thing that need watering
Non-electric bidets are perfect if you’ve only got one outlet in your bathroom and you need it for your home audio system. (Or your toothbrush, I guess.) The LUXE Bidet—which has nearly 37,000 reviews on Amazon with a 4.5-star average—comes with an 18-month warranty, and the SllimEdge features a “sleek incline to complement your natural position,” as well as dual-nozzle cleansing options and an easy, DIY installation process. Both come with everything you need to connect the bidet directly to your fresh water supply without calling a plumber. Get sprayin’.
Get in your element
The Element (also the name of my last car, RIP) by Omigo fits round and elongated toilets alike, and features a self-rinsing system that runs fresh water over both nozzles before and after each use. For a few extra bones, the Element Plus shoots warm water into your nether regions to give your bum a few moments of spa-like cleansing.
Wash your ass like a patriot
“American Standard” isn’t really what comes to mind when thinking of a bidet, but this elongated toilet seat is starting to change my mind. It features adjustable spray patterns, detachable nozzles, and slow-close hinges to prevent slamming of the seat. (Wouldn’t wanna wake anyone during a late-night spray sesh.)
How pooers get more done
Who knew Home Depot was in the bidet game? Not us. This BioBidet x Home Depot collab boasts two comfortable wash patterns, a stylish control knob, and a design “created with the Home Depot customer in mind.” (So, yeah. They’re thinking about ya over at Home Depot HQ.) One reviewer even mused that it gave them “some calmness and peace.” Couldn’t we all use a little of that these days?
They’ll probably have bidets on Mars
“Alpha One V2” sounds like a spaceship Elon Musk would design—though we haven’t given up hope that Tesla is going to finally get their act together and install them in the next model. The ultra slim design of the Alpha One bidet makes it look like a regular ol’ toilet seat, though it’s far from one. The powerful, concealed bidet can be installed in just 10 minutes, requires no electricity, and “features a simple one lever control system that’s simple enough for anyone to use,” according to the product description.
Maybe just one more trip to the log flume, for old time’s sake.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.