Are You ‘Monkey-Barring’ From Relationship to Relationship?

Have you ever met someone who seemed to constantly be in a relationship? Not just one or two long-term ones. Hell, not even multiple ones with a few months of singleness in between. I’m talking about the person who jumps from one relationship immediately into a new one, with about five seconds in between—so little time that there was obviously an overlap.

Dating experts call this “monkey-barring,” and it’s actually far more common (and damaging) than you might think.

What Is Monkey-Barring?

In a dating context, monkey-barring refers to the act of staying in one relationship while forming a connection with someone else, all while intending on leaving your current partner for them. Basically, it’s when a person is too afraid to leave their current relationship because they don’t want to be alone. So instead, they line up a relationship with a new partner they can jump to once they find the courage to walk away.

Or swing away, metaphorically speaking.

This isn’t a new concept. In fact, 10 years ago, a Redditor posted about their bad habit of monkey-barring through relationships. They explained that monkey-barring is “where you don’t let go of one [significant other] until you’ve got your hands on the next one (metaphorically).”

We’ve all met someone like this, or maybe you’ve been that person yourself. Monkey-barring often stems from a deep-seated fear of being alone—a desire for love and companionship, but often at someone else’s expense. It happens when you’re too afraid to let go but are actively moving on. 

“People who do this often lack emotional growth, because they are constantly moving through life in a fear-based manner to avoid the hard work it takes when healing from wounds in a past relationship,” said Angelika Koch, relationship expert at Taimi.

Additionally, many people mentally check out of a relationship months (sometimes even years) before they actually leave. Perhaps they’ve given their partner warning signs, voiced their concerns, had the hard conversations…but to no avail. 

Sometimes, it takes someone new coming into their lives for them to finally walk away from their relationship.

The Issue With Monkey-Barring in Dating

Aside from it being a form of emotional cheating, monkey-barring has many downsides.

“Jumping from one potential partner to the other doesn’t allow you room to truly grow and get to know yourself,” said Angelika Koch, relationship expert at Taimi. “It’s a fear-based action, normally based on codependency. Many people enjoy the thrill of doing this because it provides the security that you won’t be alone.”

In other words, these individuals rarely take the time to self-reflect and establish independence or identity outside of their romantic relationships.

Of course, this is far different than someone having a one-off experience where they left a relationship and ended up falling for someone new after severing ties with their ex. These situations happen, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for moving on—so long as you aren’t doing so while still in a relationship with or leading on someone else.

Not to mention, you should always prioritize your own healing first. If the person is worth it, they will be patient.

Monkey-Barring vs. Polyamory

Maybe people make the false assumption that monkey-barring is a form of polyamory. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Polyamory is an agreed-upon arrangement and conscious decision to have or pursue multiple partners, all of whom are aware of the dynamic. 

Monkey-barring, on the other hand, involves deceit and disloyalty.

“Monkey-barring and polyamory are fundamentally different,” Koch explained. “Monkey barring is based on codependency and is arguably a form of cheating, while polyamory is based on the ability to love several people in a romantic way at once and isn’t cheating because everyone involved consented.”