Gifs by Daniel Stuckey
Rapper DMX is known not only for his ability to rhyme to a beat, but also his tough guy persona and abiding interest in making weird dog noises at inappropriate times. In this incredible viral video, which you can see here, the Ruff Ryder himself rydes the ruffest roller coaster of them all—the Sling Shot in Orlando—which caused him to repeatedly grunt as though he was ejaculating while taking a shit, getting a car battery attached to his testicles, having his nipples pinched, letting a guy tickle his armpits, and watching that cool guy get his head smashed on Game of Thrones all at the same time. In other words, it was INTENSE.
After the truly scary part was over, DMX told the guy who sat next to him on the ride, "yeah, we did that, nigga." Also something about "stone cold ice faced grill." Despite all the scary stuff, the thing DMX was most concerned about was his gold chain falling off. It must have been DMX's first roller coaster, as I always take my expensive jewelry off before I get on the ride.
For only $9.95 a month (or $99.95 a year) you can enjoy news, commentary, and so much more from former politician/former reality TV star/former cable news pundit/former best-selling author Sarah Palin. Taking a cue from conservative personalities like Dennis Miller and Glenn Beck, Palin is taking her message directly to her supporters.
Palin seems to think that it's somehow difficult for her to get her point across because it's so controversial, but I see people like her on Hollywood Boulevard screaming into a bullhorn all the time. What is she, lazier than those people? I can see that guy for free! On the plus side for Sarah, she's got a more even tan than he does.
Juggalo-mania is sweeping the nation! And on a slightly smaller scale, it is also sweeping VICE.com. Check out all of our coverage of the Gathering of the Juggalos, where you can see more pictures of this woman twerking on a 500-pound man. I'm mesmerized!
A 90-year-old water main burst near the campus of UCLA this week, flooding Sunset Boulevard with 8 to 10 million gallons of h2-uh-oh. Kinda like how I burst into Amy—y'know Amy, that smokin' hot little coed I was telling you about from the dorm down the hall? Kinda like how I burst into her coochie last night, making her pussy flood with, like, 8 to 10 million gallons of pussy juice. Dude, she wanted it so bad, man. She was fuckin' begging for it, bro. Anyway, pretty fucked up about all that water and shit. Especially since California's in, like, a drought or whatever. What are you doin' tonight? Wanna grab some sushi?
Lana Del Rey's new music video for the track "Ultraviolence" is up on Noisey. If you haven't checked it out yet, please do so now. We'll be here when you get back. Or, you know, like… open it in another window so you can watch it while you read the rest of this article. Whatever works!
Battered bigot/human toilet Donald Sterling lost his basketball team this week, after a Los Angeles judge ruled that his long-suffering wife was allowed to sell the Clippers to former Microsoft executive Steve Ballmer for $2 billion dollars. Sterling, who paid $12.5 million for the Clippers in 1981, stands to make a fucking killing on the deal, proving the old adage that the worse you are, the more God blesses you. In related news, life is utterly devoid of logic or meaning, good things consistently happen to bad people, and you will not be remembered when you die. ;)
If you've always wanted to destroy a drone with a giant shotgun, but just didn't have a free 15 minute slot in your iCal, you can always live vicariously through Motherboard's new documentary, Johnny Dronehunter. Good luck spying on this guy.
The current death toll in Gaza? At least 1,410 Palestinians and 56 Israelis. The majority of the Palestinian casualties have been civilians. Earlier this week, former child star Daniel Radcliff gave a fan a bad haircut during his appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Some guy named Guillermo, who the internet informs me is Kimmel's sidekick on the (unwatchable) program, fixed the cut after Radcliff gave up. So, y'know.
In actual news, VICE News has a new documentary out about oil theft perpetrated by the Mexican drug cartels hosted by Suroosh Alvi. The cartels are diversifying their activities, and have started tapping crude oil reserves from Mexico's state-run oil company. You can watch the full-length doc now on YouTube.