FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Stuff

A Pimp Is Suing Nike for Not Warning That His Shoes Could Be Used as Weapons

A Portland pimp named Sirgiorgiro Clardy wants a $100 million settlement from Nike because he claims that not warning people that their shoes could be used as a deadly weapon constitutes negligence.
January 14, 2014, 3:54pm

Mugshot from Multnomah Co. Sheriff's Office via Portland Oregonian

A Portland pimp named Sirgiorgiro Clardy wants a $100 million settlement from Nike because he claims that not warning people that their shoes could be used as a deadly weapon constitutes negligence. 26-year-old Clardy is serving a 100-year prison term for kicking the shit out of a john who tried to get out of paying, then robbing him and leaving him for dead at the 6th Avenue Motel just outside downtown Portland. The victim later had to get plastic surgery on his nose.

Advertisement

Testimony in court from psychiatrist Frank Colistro called Clardy a psychopath who is 100 percent likely to offend again, to which Clardy responded by throwing a fit and shouting expletives at the jurors, just like a non-psychopath would. Clardy will be eligible for parole in 36 years, by which time he'll be 62.

A deadly Nike, via

Psychopaths tend to get frustrated by boredom, and while some convicts turn to basket weaving or assaulting other prisoners, Clardy has turned his focus to the prison law library. He's representing himself in his lawsuit against Nike, and here's an excerpt from something resembling a legal brief that he cobbled together:

"Under product liability there is a certain standard of care that is required to be upheld by potentially dangerous product…"

"Do (sic) to the fact that these defendants named in this Tort claim failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction it has caused personal injury in the likes of mental suffering."

While the Nike legal team has not commented on this case, that's probably because they haven't stopped laughing. Even when they have to travel, Nike tends to win in court, as though some sort of goddess of victory is smiling upon them. There's too much legal precedent for assault cases like these for a judge to really take any notice of Clardy's claim.

Actually, former Chicago Bull Scottie Pippen is going through a similar ordeal in Malibu right now. Last year, someone allegedly asked for an autograph, and Pippen allegedly said no, things were allegedly said, blows were allegedly exchanged, and soon, Pippen was allegedly stomping the ever-living fuck out of the guy's face. Now he is also facing an assault with a deadly weapon charge. The weapon happened to be his shoes, because we all know a shoe can be a deadly weapon. It's happened before in Portland; it's happened before in Austin, and it's probably happening right now in Florida. The charges were dropped, so don't think about picking up Scottie Pippen for your Shoe Assault Dream Team.

It's not just shoes. Just about anything can be used as a deadly weapon. If Clardy were to win his case—and he won't—here are some other things that would need warning labels because they've been used as "deadly weapons" in the eyes of the law: bottles, pillows, living dogs, dead dogs, parts of chairs, entire chairs, cars, hammers, screwdrivers, pint glasses, and pretty much everything that hurts when you use it as a bludgeon or a projectile, not to mention items like guns and knives which are known to be deadly, but don't have labels warning people about it.

Metro.co.uk gave this story the headline, "My trainers made me a psychopath: Pimp to sue Nike for millions over ‘dangerous’ shoes he used as a weapon," so their conservative readers could click their tongues and remark that the world has gone mad over health and safety concerns. You can see it that way if you want, but it doesn't mean Clardy is actually going to win all that money.

@MikeLeePearl