The BBC just ran a story about the American conjoined twins, Abby and Brittany Hensel. Which is weird, because they've been everywhere for years, are the stars of multiple documentaries and had a reality show released about them last summer. All that proves is that the public are always interested in stories about conjoined twins, unless the stories involve Greg Kinnear.
It got me thinking about being a conjoined twin and what it might be like. Then I imagined being conjoined twins with Cassie and got massively overexcited and started sweating loads. So instead of festering in a puddle of my own perspiration, I went and asked some other people who their ideal conjoined twin would be instead.
Sugar Puff, presenter: I'd be my own twin.
VICE: You'd want to be connected to yourself? That doesn't really count.
Yeah, but think about it – nobody would know what I got up to apart from me.
So if this twin was an extension of you – what would you do if he wanted to have sex with someone?
Well, really and truly it would be me, and a part of me. So I'd be like, "Whatcha saying now? Give it to me, baby. I want it all night – give it to me, baby."
Okay. So you'd be serenading your own twin's love making?
Yeah, we'd be each other's backing vocals.
Claire, works for a courier company: Nobody. I think I'd rather be dead. I wouldn't want to be conjoined with anyone at all.
Okay, but let's say you were born as a conjoined twin, could you handle going on a date?
If you're born like that, then you wouldn't know any different. But, without being nasty, it's going to be hard to find someone who's going to want to go on a date with someone like that.
Woah – that is kind of nasty. What if the person you were attached to was a complete asshole?
I'd probably kill myself, or just get them removed.
Oliver, runs a design agency: My wife.
That's cute! And maybe convenient. But would you really want to share a body?
Like two minds and one body? Yeah, still my wife.
You'd be okay doing literally everything together?
Well, we got married, which is pretty much the same thing.
What would you do if, say, you wanted to watch different films?
We could get two iPads.
What about quiet private time?
You couldn't really have any, but maybe Google Glass.
Laura (left) and Carrie, work in finance.
Laura: I'd say the love of my life.
But I haven't got one yet.
Oh. Would you still choose the love of your life if you had to share bowel functions?
Yeah, you'd be best friends with them, so it would be OK.
Carrie: You'd have to know them really, really well to be near them all that time.
What would you do if you had a huge fight?
Laura: I'm sure we'd sort it out.
Carrie: You'd HAVE to sort it out. Or put a bag over their head.
That sounds a bit murdery.
Julian, runs a youth creative agency: I was going to say my fiancé, but I'm joined to her already, so that might be a bit too much connection. So it would have to be CS Lewis, I think.
Really? Why him?
He's an amazing writer and I'd love some insight to what goes on in his brain. I like the way he thinks.
How do you think you'd handle having to join him on a date?
That wouldn't be too cool. But depending on where we were, I'm sure we could help each other out.
Previously - Have You Ever Participated In a Sexual Volcano?