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Here Are the Top Seven Stephen Harpers of 2015

The year 2015 was full of Stephen Harpers.
Justin Ling
Montreal, CA
December 22, 2015, 9:45pm

For all the year's trials and tribulations, the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows, there was never a Stephen Harper too far away.

While everyone dreads the flurry of end-of-the-year Stephen Harper lists, 2015 proved itself particularly relevant for Stephen Harpers—between stagnant oil prices, unrest in the Middle East, and a federal election, Stephen Harpers had their hands full.

So we put together the seven most important Stephen Harpers of 2015.

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#7: Interim Stephen Harper

Interim Stephen Harper's election as leader of the Stephen Harper Party came as a bit of a surprise. She ended up besting Rob Nicholson and Diane Finley, stalwarts of the party. Evidently, Interim Stephen Harper has to break with the more traditional Stephen Harper positions, and she's done a pretty good job of that so far—coming out in favour of an inquiry into missing and murdered Indigenous women, being generally supportive of resettling scores of Syrian refugees, and the like.

She's been pretty popular thus far. Some may even start asking her to stick around and be the full-time Stephen Harper—although the party constitution technically forbids it.

New Year's resolution: Don't let them find out that you were born in Kenya.

#6: American Stephen Harper

Certainly one of the crazier Stephen Harpers, American Stephen Harper has rocketed to the front of the pack in the Republican presidential primary, and caused a fair amount consternation here at home. But, like watching an elderly relative struggle to grasp the lineage of a mixed-race child, it can be uncomfortably amusing to watch.

While this Stephen Harper doesn't have much of a hope of becoming president, he—like several other Stephen Harpers—has done much to ratchet up anti-Muslim sentiments in the West, with comments like "You're going to have to watch and study the mosques," "[we need a] total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States," and, in a less hateful moment, "I had great relationships with the Hispanics."

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Hopefully American Stephen Harper will go away in 2016.

New Year's resolution: Make America great again.

#5: Bearded Stephen Harper

Not a great year for Bearded Stephen Harper, who took a more traditionalist Stephen Harper route during the federal election, and wound up coming in a dismal third place.

Rumblings are already beginning from his supporters that the long knives may come out for this once-liked politician.

New Year's resolution: Make an example of the plotters looking to ascend to the throne.

#4: Stephen Harper

Coming in at number four, this Stephen Harper had a really mixed year. He looked poised to form another majority government at the beginning of the year, only to screw it all up during a marathon election campaign that saw some of the ugliest forms of identity politics slither out of this Stephen Harper's eyes, drenching the general population in a sort of sludge.

But, Canada wiped off that sludge. And this Stephen Harper is relegated to the $0.99 Prime Ministers bin at the local convenience mart.

New Year's resolution: Buy all the Stephen Harpers from the $0.99 Prime Ministers bin at the local convenience mart. Create a little museum.

#3: Alberta Stephen Harper

Alberta Stephen Harper won big this year, ousting Boring Stephen Harper and ending decades of rule for the establishment party in Alberta.

But the trend for 2016 is definitely downwards for Alberta Stephen Harper's government. Tanking oil prices, rising unemployment, and a shit sandwich of a debt situation means that Edmonton is going to have to preside over some sincerely bad times in the following year.

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So enjoy your final moments of 2015, Alberta Stephen Harper.

New Year's resolution: Do not let Alberta descend into the savagery of the Thunderdome. We cannot let that brutality return.

#2: Stephen Harper's Empty Desk

When Stephen Harper lost the election in October, but held onto his own seat, he must have been pissed. I mean, really pissed.

Because not only are you no longer prime minister, losing out on all your perks—driver, free Alanis Morissette concerts, and your one free assassination—but now you have to keep representing those mouth-breathers back home in Calgary.

So rather than do that, Stephen Harper has decided to hang out anywhere else, and instead leave an empty chair to symbolize all of our unfulfilled hopes, dreams, and desires or something.

New Year's resolution: cosy up to that cute bench over there.

#1: New Stephen Harper

It was obviously a big year for New Stephen Harper, who took over for the other Stephen Harper in October.

New Stephen Harper has moved fast on a plethora of election promises, and has the sky-high poll numbers to prove it.

This despite the fact that virtually every public word uttered by New Stephen Harper is part of a non-sensical trainwreck of verbiage, latched together in order to inspire the most vague patriotism possible instead of substance or depth.

Nevertheless, 2016 will be the year of New Stephen Harper.

New Year's resolution: Say "engagement" more often.

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