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Vice Blog

LONDON - A DAY AT THE STD CLINIC

I used to think I was selective when it came to choosing my sexual partners. That is, until I woke up yesterday morning to find that trying to wee felt more like passing molten lava. So I did what everyone does when they think something's wrong down below and Googled my symptoms. Chlamydia was ruled out after I took a home kit I'd been mailed and the clap looked too fucked up to go unnoticed so I ticked that off the list. That left me with about a hundred other diseases, with symptoms ranging from crazy amounts of pain and gross looking discharge to absolutely nothing. And so that left me with one option: a trip to the STD clinic.

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Until now I had never had a smear test. Instead, I had relied on my own method of prevention, which is basically a simple Q&A with my potential infectors before we get down to business. I'd usually put thoughts of infertility to the back of my mind but seeing as my friend was going to collect some results of her own I thought she could hold my hand and we could turn it into a fun day out.

Before getting decontaminated I decided it was important to make it look as clean and pure as possible. Or, at the very least, not always open for business, just occasionally open for business. I definitely didn't want to give off any more slut vibes than were absolutely necessary.

The clientele at the clinic were better than expected. On the downside, even though we were one of the first in we still had to wait for over an hour to be seen (hence the woman above sleeping). Something tells me this wasn't her first time. Whore.

This is where you breeze over any mechanical problems with a student nurse. After all, you don't want them to know you've been performing tricks until it's definitely been confirmed.

I had four people in the room with me for the examination, which, considering the circumstances (legs flailing in the air), wasn't that embarrassing. Neither was being (technically) fingered. I guess I was just glad to not have to take the lead for once.

The examination itself consists of being stretched open with a metal clamp so they can get a swab. Although it didn't make me reconsider childbirth, after attempting to insert it for the third time I made a mental pact never to never go to an STD clinic ever again.