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Vice Blog

I Hate Christmas (Do you?)

An Ohio man

knocked down a Salvation Army bell ringer, saying, "I hate you and your stupid bell and I HATE CHRISTMAS!" Then he stole the red kettle and ran away. I wish I did that.Instead I procreated. The first kid's dad is off drunk in a basement on Christmas, the second one takes the other kid away, and the third-time-charm stepdad cracks under holiday pressure and cures it by flying to warm climes without us. Billy Idol sang about HIS drunken dad yelling at the Christmas tree while Santa's balls were jingling up against his mom upstairs. He told me that was based on a true story. Because we're best friends. Just kidding. I did interview him four years ago, though, and he did tell me it was true. Here are some other true stories about Christmas:  Lydia Riley: Last Christmas my mother threw a tumbler of vodka at me and called me the town whore. I proceeded to throw over the coffee table. Good times. Lev Six: I burned down the City Hall Christmas tree when I was a kid. Sorry pigs, the statute of limitations has passed and I was a minor. Hahahah. Do you hate Christmas? Drag King: I try not to hate anything. I try to hate more things all the time. Why merely dislike when you can full-on hate? OK. All right. I'll hate on it. Drae: I wouldn't say "hate," but I don't have any money to get other people presents, and I don't need any shit. Are you recording this? Who is this for? Good Housekeeping. Don't tell them I swore! A. Millione: I drove around with friends stealing Christmas decorations off of people's lawns. One friend turned a three-foot, plastic light-up candle into a bong and drove around with it on another run and they ended up in jail.  Marnie: It is definitely not my favorite fucking holiday. I have to spend bank on a bunch of crap that people are going to hate and it annoys the fuck out of me. Gilmore Tamny: I try to flee the country (Rome, London, and this year Paris) so it wil be a mutant version of Christmas. Where do you get all this money to travel? From saving money by not buying people presents? [no answer] Oliver Squash: I hate eating too close to fat-ass smelly relatives who think their ass is made of gold. I watched my dad blast Mom into the tree when I was 4 or 5. I also was in a head-on collision on Christmas morning because my cunt mother had to go and try to take us to her boyfriend's. I FUCKING HATE FUCKING CHRISTMAS WITH A MAJOR PASSION! Daphne Young: I looooooooove Christmas. Here I am dressed as my holiday alter-ego. Early childhood Christmases were alcoholic-door-smashing-breakdown-city, so I swore all adult holidays would be magical. I bake cookies, decorate a tree, and force a festive atmosphere out of my bitter little soul. DON'T SAY MY NAME: You shouldn't be asking me about Christmas. DON'T TAKE MY PICTURE: What was the neighborhood Cher had her house in in Moonlight? That's the question I want answered. Brooklyn? Yes, I *know* it's Brooklyn. But what part of Brooklyn? LISA CRYSTAL CARVER