Hopefully you got all this information in high school health class, where they tried to shock you into not secretly fucking in the laundry room during some heathen, parent-less house party (it didn't work, right?). But we thought that if the porn community, which is supposed to know everything there is to know about sex, doesn't actually understand, then maybe you can use a little refresher yourself.One of the downsides of being a doctor is you can't switch it off. I can be standing someone in the supermarket and smell their kidney infection. I can spot scabies on the arms of a man scratching next to me on the tube. And when it comes to sex, I would know exactly who to throw out of my bed the minute they take off their trousers. No, that rash is not caused by your new tight jeans, and no, that wart has not always been there.No matter how drunk you are or how long the dry patch has been, there are certain genital horrors that are best avoided or you will be pissing puss, bleeding from your mouth, and crying to your doctor that honestly, you're not a slut, it's just bad luck. It is incredible that the source of so much pleasure can be the location of so much pestilence. So in the name of clean canker-free bits, behold my mini guide to STDs.SyphilisA nasty-looking ulcer of gross is a syphilitic sore. This mother-of-all penile zits glowing like a fuck-off warning beacon is the first stage of syphilis. Next comes secondary sores, often on the tongue and pulsating with highly infective bacteria, and then rashes, warts, and madness. It is basically a one-man plague if untreated. And don't think sticking to oral will save you. You can get syphilis on your face, chin, tongue–pretty much anywhere. The unusual thing about these sores is they don't hurt. So if you're not sure if it's just a case of over-zealous wanker chafe, give it a good poke and gauge the reaction. That's exactly what I have done to patients before who were convinced they had syphilis but had just been having lengthy love-ins with their right hand. While rampant amongst wig-wearing Restoration rakes, it was pretty much eradicated by modern medicine. But in recent years, the bane of randy dandies has been making a comeback with 307 cases in 1997 and 3,702 in 2006, which means everyone is having a lot more bareback sex. Bad boys and girls.GonorrheaNow as much as letting a man spunk in your face is a foolproof method of contraception, it has its drawbacks. This is gonococcal conjunctivitis, gonorrhea of the eye. Most people don't know this is possible. When one of the warm yogurty lumps spits into your orbit, his gonorrheal bacteria will spread, giving you a gammy red-eye with yellow tears of pus. At least shut your eyes. But if you spot any smelly, greenish yellow discharge from his penis, I would avoid any contact.ChlamydiaThe Ray Bans of the sexual health world. One in ten people have this most democratic of STDs, though amongst the Vice-reading demographic I'd assume it's probably much higher. If you haven't had a bout you're probably a prude, a virgin, or blissfully unaware of it working its way through your reproductive ducts. A common misconception is that without penetration, it doesn't count. Unfortunately even a spot of spooning can spread the bacterium. With 80 percent of cases symptom-free, you may as well presume you have it.Genital wartsWhen caught early, warts can be frozen off with liquid nitrogen or dissolved by some scary bright blue cream. At least one in five people are infected with one strain of the virus HPV, but not all of them will develop symptoms. The worst thing about warts is the name, so try calling them something else. Call your wart Boris and take him down the clinic to be put down like a bad dog.DR. MONA MOOREDisclaimer: If any of you actually feel like having sex now, this is not a definitive guide and the only sure-fire way of avoiding ending up as a case study is abstinence, which is no fun at all. Wrap it up.
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