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Vice Blog

SPIEL ESTATE - DEAR VICE

Dear Vice, Call me strange, but I love reading the real estate sections of newspapers — even when I'm not in the market for a new place. The descriptions are completely absurd and I guess I admire the lengths they go to, to make utter shit-holes sound liveable. Like when they say "open plan", you know you will be shitting and cooking in the same room, and when they say "steeped in history", you can pretty much guarantee that a drug dealer, who murdered his girlfriend in the bathroom, was the previous tenant. On the weekend, I struck a real estate lingo goldmine when I walked past this sign for an apartment block in Fitzroy. It's like a couple of guys went straight home from a big night at The Peel (a gay club in Melbourne) and played word association games until they both passed out from laughing so hard. It says "Fluid Motion, Enticing, Sensuous, Eclectic, Dancing In Shadows"! I say WTF?