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Vice Blog

LONDON - RUSSIAN BLOWJOBS

Remember the Do where somebody had vandalized a New York diner sign so that it read that they served  "deep fried lips and assholes"? That's nothing. There's a Russian sandwich shop down the road from the UK office in East London where they actually sell toasted baguettes called things like "Screaming Orgasm", "Virgin's Desire" and, my personal favorite, "The Blow Job".

WTF? Shouldn't names like these be reserved exclusively for overpriced cocktails they sell at low-rent strip bars where half-naked 35-year-old mums of three trundle around listlessly with a pint glass asking for a pound to show you their spotty, stretch-marked asses? Well, apparently not.

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We spoke to the shy Russian ladies who make the sandwiches and asked them what inspired them to eroticize their snacks …

"You have to speak to boss I can't say of these things," they said, giggling and running into the back of the kitchen to make us a "A Blow Job" baguette. We brought it back to the office and gave it to the staff to eat, review and answer the obvious question: Which is better? Giving somebody a blow job or eating a weird Russian sandwich named after one.

This is what they said:

Dave Vaughn (Intern): "I'm straight so I definitely prefer the sandwich to giving the sex act but I found the beef a bit chewy.

VICE: Would you ever consider giving a guy a blow job?

Dave: I got chatted up by a couple of them once at a club but it's not really my thing mate.

Claire Bartolomeo (Ad Sales): "There's too much mayonnaise. They put the mayonnaise in there before they toast it so it goes thinner and runny. After I had a bite I realized I had white juice all over my trousers, so I suppose that's what inspired the name."

Kristy Dare (Ad Sales): "I agree. There's too much runny mayonnaise. When I was eating it there was white juice all over my fingers. Given the choice though I'd prefer this to giving somebody a blow-job.

VICE: What about if it was your favourite film star and the sandwich was filled with maggots and you got paid a million pounds?

Kristy: Take a wild guess.

VICE: What about a choice between sucking a tramp's cock who had no STDs or a sandwich filled with maggots and you got a million pounds for the tramp dick?

Kristy: For a million pounds I'd suck the tramp's cock. Of course!

BARF BI-KINERSIS