FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Vice Blog

LONDON - CELEBRITY PHRENOLOGY

I don't read magazines aimed at pre-teen girls much, but I think I might start.

I figured they'd just be full of features on puberty called things like 'The New You', 'From Girl to Gal' and even duller stuff where the cast of 'Twilight' talk about grooming ponies. As it turns out magazines like Mizz are full of type of crypto-fascist medical philosophy that was generally shrugged off by the rest of humanity once Hitler used it to justify killing Jewish people and gypsies.

Advertisement

Yeah, Mizz is into Phrenology. Hitler liked it because it was really racist. Phrenologic thought states that you can tell a person's character from the shape of their head, which is helpful because it lets you see if they're a criminal before they've even done a crime. Marvelous. Natch, the definition of a perfect skull shape is an aristocratic European one, and obvs, the definition of a [degenerate one is a poor, black or jewish person's. Thick lips or a big nose were associated by men like](http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/img/phrenology.jpg
) Cesare Lombroso with a 'criminal class' - it was basically a scientific justification for killing everyone who wasn't part of Team Aryan.

By the first world war everyone agreed it was crackers, but its making a comeback! Check it out, now Mizz is using Lombroso's tenements to help teenage girls judge themselves by their appearance, Christ knows they need help doing that.

Here's fun! Let's judge four successful musicians through a combination of Mizz's and Lombroso's teachings.

Andrew from MGMT

Lombroso: According to Andrew's convexed upper forehead he is a man of great benevolence, a man of true goodness. However he does have some negative energies, for example the narrowing of his skull slightly behind the perpendicular line suggest that beneath his campus-shaman identity, he is consumed by fear and finds it hard to complete tasks.
Crime Factor: Low.
Mizz: Andrew's curved nose means he is easily swayed. He doesn't have much staying power and, rather than get caught up in a relationship, he prefers casual, fun dates!
Crush Factor: High, he's a sweet as sugar!

Advertisement

Katie Perry

Lombroso: you can see that Katie lacks a strong sense of conscientious from the shape of the lateral sides of her head, what's worrying is that this is coupled by a strong sense of acquistiveness (as seen on the lower part of the temple), this indicates an inclination towards theft and fraud.
Crime Factor: High
Mizz: Katie's deep set eyes show that she's prone to being a worrier and often works herself into a tizz with no need. She's also quick to judge others before she really knows them, especially lads!
Crush Factor: Once you get to know her, you might find she's your perfect girl!

Xavier from Justice

Lombroso: The convex nature of Xavier's ear area indicates that he has destructive tendencies yet he does not suffer from a lack of self esteem, as the back of his head is at an angle of approximately 45 degrees drawn from the aural conduct.
Crime Factor: Veering manically from high to low
Mizz: Xavier's square chin shows he is a flighty, flirty, fun-loving kind of guy. He's got a great sense of humour and is always up for a giggle.
Crush Factor: If you like a laugh and blog house, this gallic hero is your man!

Dev

Lombroso: Individuality is the main perceptive faculty and a high level of this is exhibited in Dev's forehead. This is coupled with the negative Causality located in the protuberances located halfway on his forehead showing a practical, realistic mind.
Crime Factor: High
Mizz: Dev's heavy eyebrows show he's direct and straight to the point. And when it comes to expressing opinions – especially about relationships – he's not afraid to make himself heard.
Crush Factor: Whopping! Dev's a Dream!

Ethan Crystal Castles

N/A
He's obvs hiding his treacherously criminoid skull beneath that hood.

ALEX MILLER