Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Boinking and Bunking

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I think I'm attracted to my new roommate but I don't know how to say it without ruining our living situation and making things awkward. What should I do? I wanna tell her with the hopes that maybe something will happen.

Hot Dog Shits (Advice) Where You Eat

Falling in love with your roommate is tough, because living with someone doesn’t always present people in the most flattering light. In fact, roommate comes from the Latin root meaning, “Sorry I farted on your couch pillow.” Ideally, a good roommate is like a child at a deaf-mute school: It should seem like they don’t exist until you’re lonely and need someone to drink with, then they crawl out of their quiet hole. (I taught at a weird school.) So obviously, mixing boinking and bunking is dangerous; you’re putting a delicate relationship into peril by forcing it to evolve or die. So here’s some ways to gently test the waters and see if she’s interested in going from roommate to boomboom-mate:

• Watching her while she sleeps is a nice, non-creepy way to say, “Hey, I care about you.”
• Put an extra slice on the chore wheel simply labeled “Kissing Each Other” and see what she says.
• Tell her you need to sign another lease, and after she signs it say, “Surprise! We’re married now!” and hold up the marriage certificate she just signed.

Now that you’ve upped the stakes of the relationship from “living with each other” to “living OUT LOUD with each other,” you’re still going to need to be explicit and tell her how you feel. Here’s some ways to drop the hint that you’ll “clean the toilet” for her “forever”:

• “Since we only have one air conditioner, let’s just put it in my bedroom and start sleeping with each other?”
• “Hey it’s time for us to pay the electric bill, and also discover each other’s bodies with our hands.”
• “Look, if we started sleeping together we could turn your room into that reptile room you always wanted. Oh, was that just my dream? Well, Sir Snakes-A-Lot deserves his own room.”

Lady Bun Shares Your Mind Space

Finding a roommate can be very difficult, especially since Craigslist isn’t the easiest place to tell if a stranger listens to Pitbull. You’re in a unique position of having found someone you want share both your bathroom AND your snatchroom with. That’s why it’s important to try and cut that sexual tension delicately, like a surgeon operating on a baby penis. You want to tell him how you feel while still staying true to what you said in your Craigslist ad—unless your ad mentioned something about splitting a “feelings” bill. Here are some easy ways to drop hints on your roomie without making things gloomy.

• Do you watch “Game of Thrones” together? Try walking around naked with a bag of hamburger meat! It’s basically the plot line for every episode and will save you both a ton on cable bills.
• Pretend you’re a sleepwalker as an excuse to visit his room at night! If he doesn’t notice, take it up a notch by being a sleepsnuggler or sleepfucker.
• Wanna be playful? Every time you tell him the gas bill is due, giggle and fart cutely. Farting around each other is 90% of what most cohabitating couples do!

Now that he’s well aware that you want more than rent money, it’s time to spell it out in words! Pick a time when you know he’ll be home to tell him how you feel and turn that living room into a giving room.

• “Real estate is all about three things: Location, Location, Location.” (Point to your uterus three times.)
• “Do you mind washing the dishes? And by dishes I mean areolas. Mine are the size of plates.”
• “We’re out of toilet paper because I’ve been using it to wipe my tears over my love for you. Hahahaha. Nah. I just shit a lot. Seriously. We need toilet paper.”

Previously - Neverending Weed

@kurtbraunohler and @albz